Gearbreakers (Gearbreakers, #1)

by Zoe Hana Mikuta

Seventeen-ish years ago, my parents named their second daughter after one of the many Gods of discord, destining that even as a chubby infant toddling around the renegade compound, I was synonymous with chaos.

“I hate red and I hate my heartbeat and I hate being this. Their soldier. Their God. I must steal color back from an eye that paints the world vile, steal my thoughts back from the hum, that damn hum, because … because I refuse to end like this.” Her voice is choked, nearly a whisper, and though she’s crying, there’s a fury pushing her words forward. And it is bottomless. “I will not die in a Windup. I will not die following their orders, and I will not die as their protector. I will die human or I will not die at all.”

have hurt people, Eris. I have been responsible for so much death, and it—I don’t—I cannot carry it well.” My fingers twist in my lap. “I want to be a Gearbreaker. So very much. But I feel this … this … terrible thing I have inside me. One I forced to grow because I needed that kind of control, that anger, to numb me. I do not know if I can ever stop myself from needing it, from craving it. I just … I am so scared that I am never going to be good.” A hand slides over mine, finds a hold. Squeezes hard, black, chipped paint scattering the nails. “You don’t have to be good. You just have to be better than the bad you’ve done.”

It is a weapon equal parts indulgent and ridiculous in its degree of beauty. Speaking of. Eris lies flat on the common room’s table, legs dangling over the edge, head listed to the side, reading a worn paperback.

Before there’s time to overthink it, I claim the space beside her, lying on my side. “You would have made a good Valkyrie, Eris.” She huffs and flips onto her side, too, facing me. Her shirt drapes over her form, outlining the delicate curve of her hip. “Good? I could’ve been at the top of your unit, easily.” “I was near the top of my unit. You think you could have bested me?” “What is this ‘could have’? I can beat you now.” “In what exactly, Frostbringer? Speed?” “Sure.” “Swordsmanship?” “If I put my mind to it.” “Escaping Godolia?” A hesitation. “I could have done that on my own.” “Really.” “Really,” she says, then shakes her head. “No, that’s a lie. But I’ve thought about it, and you could’ve. Easily. Walked straight out of there in your Windup, hopped out wherever you pleased. So why didn’t you, Glitch? Why did you stay?” I smile slightly. “I needed somewhere to run to. Someone.” “So you’re saying you needed me?” She is teasing me, I know it, but I only look at her and say, “Without a doubt, Eris.”

Because now I am in control. Because people I have loved in the past have been hurt by this nation, and the people I love in the present have been hurt by it again, and because now I can do something to stop it. Because you choose sides in war and I chose the one that makes me feel human, and this I will not apologize for. I am violent. I am awful. But every vicious thing about me is mine in its entirety. I will not die as theirs.