When You Are Engulfed in Flames

by David Sedaris

I roll out of bed, which is usually between 10:00 and 10:30. For me this is early, but for Hugh and most of our neighbors it’s something closer to midday. What they do at 6:00 a.m. is anyone’s guess. I only know that they’re incredibly self-righteous about it and talk about the dawn as if it’s a personal reward, bestowed on account of their great virtue.

I don’t know why it was, exactly, but nothing irritated my father quite like the sound of his children’s happiness.

Patches don’t satisfy the urge to stick something in your mouth and set it on fire, but they are oddly calming.