Love at First Fight

by Carrie Aarons

I’ll have to admit that the minute Justin introduced her to me a year ago, I understood. It clicked. I know what it feels like to fall in love at first sight. Because I did, with her. And then she went on to fall in love with my best friend.

But then she rounds on me, a finger in my face. “Listen to me right now. I will not sit by this entire summer while you bully that girl and pretend like you’re not head over heels in love with her. She and Justin are done, and I’m kind of glad that asshat is halfway around the world. Now is your time to tell her how you feel. I’ll literally punch you in the balls if August comes around and you’re still sulking in your Tom Collins every night. Got it?”

I can’t explain the feeling that came over me the first time I laid eyes on Molly. It wasn’t a bolt of lightning; the room didn’t fade into tones of pink and red. There were no bells chiming in my ears. No, it was a slow, fuzzy feeling that took over my brain, my heart. It was if my whole being just said, “Ah, there she is. I found her,” and it all just clicked into place. She hadn’t said one word to me, and beyond a shadow of a doubt, I knew this was the woman I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.

I’m in love with my best friend’s girl, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to make her see that I’m the one she should be with.

The fact that she just admitted that she wanted Justin to be the guy she spent the rest of her life with … it feels like she just plunged a knife right through the center of my chest. Sometimes I wonder to myself how she doesn’t see right through me. How I’ve managed to hide that I’m crazy in love with her. I know I’ve done a good job at being a total dickwad, but part of me doesn’t understand how Molly doesn’t realize that the guy who wants to spend his life with her is sitting just feet from her face. “He’s an idiot for letting you go.” The sentence hangs between us, and my heart hammers against my ribcage. I didn’t mean for it to sound so … romantic. But it did. And now I can’t take it back, not that I’m scrambling to pull it out of the air and shove the words back down my throat. Maybe, like Marta said, it’s time to take my shot.

Smith looks like a panther who has just caught his prey. “I have no idea why you think any man wouldn’t kill to be with you. I just can’t …” The hallway is dark, and I hear no sounds from anywhere. Smith is just staring at me, those lethal blue eyes making every nerve ending in my body go haywire. I can’t seem to breathe or swallow, or even move my feet. He’s unreadable, so much intensity in his expression that I can’t decipher. And just when I think he’s about to turn around and go back into his bedroom, he closes the foot of space between us—to capture my lips in the most searing, soul-crushing kiss I’ve ever experienced.

This was the kiss of a man who had waited for more than three hundred and sixty-five days to take this woman’s mouth. This was a kiss with all of the emotions and passion I’d been locking away inside my heart while she fell in love with my best friend. This was the kiss of a starving person, one who thought they’d never get this chance, and one who was pouring everything into it because he may never get this chance again.

“I know that you’re a fifth grade teacher, and that you do so much more than teach. You volunteer at their after-school program three times a week, so they don’t have to go home to empty kitchens. And that’s before you take a restaurant shift to make more money to give those kids more. I know that you didn’t have the easiest childhood, and that you hate carrots in your soup. When we went bowling that one time, you whooped our asses, even though Justin made you feel awkward for doing so. I wanted to deck him that night. You prefer candy over popcorn at the movies and stop on the street to give the homeless whatever spare money you have in your wallet. Do you know how many people just pass them by? I know that you put up with Justin’s obnoxious mother for an entire Saturday just to learn how to make his favorite pot roast, and that you re-read your favorite novels because it transports you to a world, even for a few hours, where you don’t have to rely on only yourself for everything. And I know that I—” I break off, almost blurting out that I’m in love with her. That I want to be the one she does all of those things with, or for. But I clam up. I’ve already said enough.

When we buried my twin sister a little over seven months ago, I could barely even stand to be in the church. My whole family was grieving, but for me, it was the worst. No wonder, Stephanie and I had grown together since the minute we were a blip on a screen. She was my partner in crime, from the moment we entered the world to the minute she left it. We had the kind of freaky connection that books and movies always describe. I could literally tell what she was thinking, and she could feel it when I was injured, even if she was hours away from me. My parents had asked if I could give the eulogy, and I shot them down immediately. I should have been stronger for Steph, should have swallowed my grief for the day and gotten up in front of our family and told them the best parts about my sister. But I couldn’t. I felt like I was drowning, still do some days,

“Well, why are you even here? You knew I was working, so you wanted me to wait on you?” That idea stings even more than him coming here on a date with another woman. Smith drops his head to his chest, rubbing a hand over his forehead. “I can see now that my plan really was not thought out. I should have just asked to come over to your apartment, cooked you dinner or brought you flowers. I just … I wanted to see you. I thought this might be a good way.”

this feels bigger in my heart. You know that sense of largeness you get, that you can’t put words to? Like the universe is aligning or something? That’s how I feel right now.

I feel like a sullen child as I try to speak through the lump in my throat. “You … do you not want to tell the house because you’re embarrassed to be on a date with me?” One second I’m separated from him, and the next, strong arms are pulling me in, and two fingers tilt under my chin so that I have to look him in the eyes. When I do, they’re fierce and intense upon mine. “Don’t even think that. Not for one second. I’m an idiot, Molly. I didn’t mean it in that way, by no means am I embarrassed by you. Hell, if anyone is out of their league on this date, it’s me. I seriously don’t deserve to have an ounce of your attention. I just said that because, well, you were with Justin. I don’t know how weird my friends would be with me dating my best friend’s ex, plus we’re roommates so that complicates things. And I just want some time for us. I don’t want to share our connection with other people, or invite their criticism or opinions on us dating. For a little while, I just want to stay in the bubble with you. Can we have our bubble, even if for just a moment?”

I’ve always wanted to be with a man who will participate in the most mundane of activities with me, but do so just because he wants to be near me. That’s what Smith is doing right now, and my heart is practically melting.

Not a lot of people wanted to go back, to know about the goodness of my sister before this tragedy happened.

It’s the first time I’ve ever opened up about this, and it’s strange that it’s not to one of my family members, or someone like Peter. But in a way, I kind of knew it would be Molly. Stephanie knew how I felt about her. I can almost feel her grinning down on me, in a told-you-so kind of manner. It almost feels like my sister’s last prank, the last act of stubbornness. She’s putting us together, will force me to confess my feelings, and she’s going to use her story to do so.

I remember how Smith cried over the casket; I’m sure that was the most pain I’ve ever seen another human in.

nothing with Smith feels like a rebound. When we’re together, it feels like so much more. That realization both scares and excites me.

I know there will be a lot of questions, and maybe even some words from Peter about dating our best friend’s ex, but I just don’t care all that much. If it means I get to be with Molly, out in the open now, I’ll take whatever scrutiny comes my way.

This year would be dark, solemn, and the first reminder that I’d be growing older, while she would remain thirty for the rest of time. Steph will no longer move forward in life, and I’ll be on my own in the truest sense of the word since we’d been born.

There were only so many ways I could honor my sister, and this was the one I knew how to do best.

It’s vitally important that my family not only like Molly, but accept her. It’s rare that I bring a girl home to any family function, for that matter, and this isn’t just any woman. This is the woman. “Then again, you were way too good for him. We all saw it. And what that schmuck did to you, and to my best friend, his mother? He never deserved you.” Mom points her sauce spoon at us. “My son is a much better man, I hope you understand how genuine and special he is.”

Anyone who has met the human who feels like the other half of their soul understands. That’s what Molly is for me.

Smith sets me down, my back pressing against the wall, as we suck in lungfuls of breaths, our eyes frantically trying to focus on each other because we’re so close. “Let’s get out of here,” I whisper. “I love you,” he answers. Right there, in the small hallway of my childhood house, standing on the red shag carpeting, Smith Redfield told me he loves me. A sensation runs through my chest, smooth and languid as a river. It’s one of absolute knowing, that this is the man I’ve waited for to say those words. Others have said them before, but it’s like the universe clicked into perfect view when Smith said them.

He just told me he’s in love with me, and I need not only the right moment to tell him, but the right actions to show him. Because I knew before this day, but now I’m sure. I am in love with this man, and it’s deeper and more intense than any love I’ve ever experienced, or any I’ll experience from this point forward.

While this year has been hell, these last three months have been a saving grace. They’ve brought me a love I thought I’d never be able to have, and being in such a beautiful place while it blossomed didn’t hurt either.

I promise that I’ll show you every single day just how much I cherish you. Just how much I’ve loved you, just how much I knew you were the other half of me since the first moment I laid eyes on you. I have a lot to prove to you, Molly, but please. Be with me. Love with me. Jesus, fight with me. Fight for me. Nothing else matters.”

“You come here, pour your heart out, and just expect me to take you back without hesitation?” Molly all but stomps her foot. “No, not without hesitation. But yes, because you love me.” I lean in, our noses practically touching. “And I’ll just break down and do it. Because … I love you.” She shrugs, as if she can’t help it.

When his mom hugged me in greeting, she whispered in my ear and said that she knew her son would make things right. He’d be a fool not to fall in love with a woman like you. That’s what she told me.

All of our closest friends and family are here, and we’ll join our lives together while standing on the very beach where Smith first kissed me in front of our roommates. It is perfect, kismet.

Smith honors Steph every day through his work, but he did end up mustering up his courage and giving a speech at her memorial in January. It was beautiful and touching, and cemented even further the idea that he was a kind, caring, giving man. I can’t wait to marry him.