Bared Souls (Beautiful Souls, #1)

by Ellie Wade

To all the gentle souls. May you be stronger than your demons.

From the very start, he told me that he’d destroy me. He warned me that he’d rip my heart out. He might not want to, but it would happen. And I believed him. I knew he wasn’t lying, and yet I loved him anyway.

There are many types of love. The raw, deep, soul-crushing love is rare. I craved it, that connection. I wanted him and all that entailed.

For a love to have the capacity to destroy you, it has to be extraordinarily powerful—and that kind of love is impossible to walk away from. Regardless of the consequences. He loved me fiercely, and I loved him back.

knew from the second I saw her that I needed to hate her. It’s the only option. It’s the only way that works for her. A prick I might be, but I can’t bring myself to ruin her, and I would. God, I would. It would be easy too.

would destroy you, Alma. I wouldn’t want to, but I would. And that’s why, no matter how many times I see you in my dreams, I can’t run to you when I wake because I’d hurt you.”

“I wouldn’t be a good dad. I’m too fucked up. I wouldn’t do that to a child. It wouldn’t be fair. Plus, I don’t see myself here long.”

How can he just write off his future in such a cavalier manner? How has he already given up on happiness and a family? What am I even doing here? I feel myself falling for him, and for what? Heartbreak?

I’m mad because you’re telling me that there’s no future for you or us. I don’t need a definite, but I need a possibility. What’s the point of being together if there’s no chance we’ll work? Why go through all of these emotions and share these experiences that I’ll never get to have for the first time again if there’s no future? I’m not going to risk falling in love with you if there isn’t a chance. That’s not fair to me!”

“I’m new to this too. Not only am I new to relationships, but caring about someone is also a new experience. Cut me some slack, Alma. Damn it, I’m trying.”

“I’m scared,” I tell him. “I’m so scared, Leo.” My voice trembles. He sits beside me. “Of what?” “Of you. We’ve had this connection for a couple of months now. Yes, the relationship part is new, but the attraction isn’t. When I’m with you, I feel so good. You make me feel so good. I’m afraid of losing that feeling, of losing you. Losing you now would be heartbreaking. Losing you a year from now would be devastating. I don’t know how I’d recover from that,” I say with a sigh.

“I can’t promise you forever, but I can promise you today. I’ll cherish every part of you today, and tomorrow, I’ll keep trying to be better … for you.” He sets his open hand palm up on my leg. “Is that enough for you?”

It’s a very real possibility that Leo can’t give me tomorrow, but I need him enough to settle for today.

“I’m sorry.” He rushes toward me and pulls me into a hug. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m sorry, Alma. I’m sorry. I just love you so much, and I want you to love me back.” I stiffen at his words. “You can’t tell me you love me for the first time when you’re wasted, Leo. That doesn’t count.”

The thought that perhaps love isn’t enough echoes deep within my soul.

I love Leo. I do. I’m drawn to him on a spiritual level.

Just like faith, love is hard to prove, but when it’s present, it’s impossible to ignore. I feel it. I believe it. I need it.

“You may love many people but only one will burn into your soul forever.”

“To truly find yourself you should play hide and seek alone.”

Alma walked through life, craving it, all while I hid from it. We’re two broken beings, trying to be whole, and maybe together, we are.

But Alma makes even the most mundane tasks enjoyable. She makes the former chore of simply living worth it.

There’s a thin line between love and pain.

“I don’t know what makes me happy—besides you, that is. I don’t have hobbies or interests or passions. I don’t fucking care about life in general—or at least, I didn’t. But I have to do something. I can’t just sit in my house, playing video games and living off of my trust fund. It’s always just been expected that I follow this path, and I didn’t care enough to argue. Now, I don’t know.”

“Life’s too short to be unhappy, Leo. You deserve to do something that brings you joy.”

She was here. Alma, my soul. She was here. Beautiful and brave and gone. I didn’t try to stop her because she should go. She’s always been too pure, too good for someone like me. I was selfish in believing I could keep her. I wanted to be better. For her, I did. For the briefest of moments, I thought that maybe I could.

Leo might have stolen my heart, but I can’t give him everything else.

“You don’t have to say anything, and I’ll leave in a second. I just had to tell you that I’m so sorry. You probably don’t believe me, but I am. I am sorry for all of the hurt I caused you. I’m sorry for not being stronger. I’m sorry that you had to see me like that. I’m sorry that I let you love me. I should’ve never walked you home all those months ago. I should’ve never kissed you. None of it. I was selfish, and I thought I could have you. I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

“I hope, someday, you’ll understand that I do love you. I don’t love anyone else, Alma, not even myself. But I’ll always love you.”

“I know I ruined what we had, and I’ll regret that forever. But know that I will never love anyone else but you. You are the only woman who will ever be allowed in my heart. I lost you, and I’ll live with that, but having you for the time I did, no matter how brief, will keep me going. You are the love of my life.”

Alma, The first time I saw you was in Giovanni’s. You came barreling into me while looking at your phone. I was so taken aback because when your body connected with mine, I felt this chemistry between us. You were wearing jean shorts and a baggy T-shirt. Your hair was up in a messy ponytail, strands falling, framing your face. You were clumsy and awkward, a little sweaty, and by far, you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. I was immediately terrified of you and the power I knew you’d hold over my heart. After you apologized and went stumbling toward the restroom, I left without waiting for my food because I couldn’t deal with seeing you again. From that initial moment, I knew you were special, and I was sure we’d be amazing together. But I also knew me, and I couldn’t risk it. An instant connection like ours isn’t something most people find in their lifetimes. Yet we had it. Destiny isn’t something I buy into, but you make me want to believe. From the first second I saw you, I wanted to believe in more. I’ve seen you, all of you, from the beginning. I miss you more than I can convey. My soul aches when I’m apart from you. I’m far from perfect, but I want to try for you. I want to be a man who deserves to be loved by you. Enjoy your dinner. I sent every dessert on the menu on account of your sweet tooth. ;-) I love you forever. Leo

Alma, The second time I saw you was the same night after Giovanni’s. You had swapped out your baggy T-shirt for a tight black tank top and showed up at the frat house with Quinn. You were ridiculously out of place, which I loved, and even more beautiful, which I hated. I adored that the party life wasn’t your style because as much as I was a slave to it, I hated it. Your innocence was refreshing and drew me in more. I wanted to scare you away. I wanted you to hate me. You were the light to my dark, the good to my evil, the pure to my tainted soul. You were everything that I wanted but nothing I should have. After I walked you home and kissed you, it was over for me. I knew then that I had to make you hate me because you would always be irresistible to me. I was terrified that the parts of you that I craved would be destroyed if you let me in. At that first party, before the drinking game started, you were chatting with some girls about local concerts. Detroit showcases all sorts of incredible artists. I hope you enjoy them all. I love you forever. Leo

Sometimes, two people can love each other more than anything and not be right for one another.

Alma, I’m not giving this to you for any reason other than your excellent service. Your server skills are the best I’ve seen. Once again, this is your tip. Nothing more. My fries were delicious, and my server was exquisite. Rock your exams. I love you forever. Leo

“I have to leave, or I’m going to end up saying something I’ll really regret. Once words are spoken, they’re out there forever. Some words are really hard to forgive, Alma.”

“I wanted you to promise that you’d always love me and not for who you wanted me to be, but for who I really was. I wanted you to promise that you’d love me enough to stay.

Alma, I am an addict and always will be. Recovering or not, that darkness will always be there. I’m far from perfect. I’ve been ruined and beat down. I have a temper. I’m moody. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have issues. In truth, the only thing I’ve ever been certain about is my love for you. And I truly believe that no one could love you as much as I do. Not because you’re not worthy of it, but because my love is so deep. It’s all-encompassing. Everything good in me is entangled with my love for you.”

I can promise you that I’m going to try every single day. I will never stop fighting because a life with you is worth fighting for. And I think my fight, my best fight, will be enough. I do, Alma. But I can’t promise you.”

Would you rather be with your one true love for a short time and lose him or never be with him at all and be spared the pain of losing him?

If I’m lucky enough to experience true love, then I’ll take it for as long as I can get it. One day with my soul mate is better than a lifetime without him.”

“As a wise man told me just this week, you can’t control the actions of others. You just need to live a life that you’re proud of, and if others don’t respond the way you wish they would, it’s on them. You are doing the right thing here. You’re reaching out to the people in your life. If they don’t reach back, you’ll be fine because you had good intentions, and that’s all you can control.”

you are burned into my soul forever.

“My entire life has been spent searching for love, acceptance, and a sense of wholeness. Then, I find you, and you’re everything. You bring so much goodness to my world. I get this feeling when we’re together, and I have from the very first moment I saw you in that restaurant. It’s like I can finally breathe when you’re near. Almost like I’m not fully myself until I’m with you. Without you, my soul’s ripped wide open—bare, vulnerable, and hurting. I’m incomplete and empty. Your soul restores mine, threading through the gaps until we’re one, protected by love. I feel that our love is once in a lifetime, and I want to promise you forever. Whether we get married tomorrow or in ten years, you’re it for me. I want to wake up every day, knowing that you’re mine and I’m yours for always. Alma, my soul, will you marry me?”

We never know what’s going to help or hurt our journey, what’s going to trigger or save us.

My dearest Alma, You’re asleep, drunk off of sugar from our excessive fudge-tasting, and I’m sitting here, watching you breathe, thankful for every breath. The diamond ring I gave you circles your finger, and I’ve never felt more happiness. In all my life, I never thought I would find someone as perfect as you, and I never thought you’d love me back. Knowing that you’re going to be my wife someday is so overwhelming. I can barely process it all. Yet it’s true. I’m going to marry you, Almalee Hannelda Weber, and cherish every piece of you for the rest of my life. My existence hasn’t been easy, but knowing that I get to finish this journey with you makes it all worth it. Any amount of time that I get with you is priceless. If everything I went through led me to you and our life together, I can’t regret any of it. I’d go through it all again just to get another hour with you. Your soul gives mine life. Your love gives me purpose. You give me everything. Last year, I told you that I didn’t think I was long for this world, and it upset you a great deal. I mentioned that when I look into the future, all I see is blackness, and that’s still true. If you’re reading this letter, it means that I’m gone. I really hope that I’m wrong, and you’re reading this letter with a silver bun atop your head, swinging on our porch swing, surrounded by our grandchildren. I hope I’m wrong, Alma. I truly do. More than anything, I want a long life with you. I want to experience everything this world...

I love you, Leo. I need you to help me get through this. I’m dying without you. I miss you so much. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I can do hard things. I will survive this. I am loved.

Leo was kind and his soul gentle. I know he fought hard for us, but there are some evils that fragile hearts can’t fight forever. Maybe that’s why he said he always knew.

There is nothing beautiful or poetic in experiencing a great loss, but there is something incredible about surviving it.

Love Grace Harding. Seven pounds, two ounces. Nineteen inches long.

“Mommy’s going to love you so much, you might get tired of me, but promise to show me grace. I just can’t help how much I adore you. And when you’re a teen, just skip the part where you hate me, okay? My heart couldn’t handle that.”