Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues

by Carole Robin

A learning mindset has several characteristics. One is a willingness to let go of the idea that your way of doing things is always best. Another is being game to try new things and take the risk of making mistakes. And a third is seeing mistakes as learning opportunities rather than something to be embarrassed about and hide. Curiosity is key. Thinking, I wonder why this isn’t working, is much more productive than blaming another person when something goes awry.

A learning mindset has several characteristics. One is a willingness to let go of the idea that your way of doing things is always best. Another is being game to try new things and take the risk of making mistakes. And a third is seeing mistakes as learning opportunities rather than something to be embarrassed about and hide. Curiosity is key. Thinking, I wonder why this isn’t working, is much more productive than blaming another person when something goes awry.

Fear of disclosure can pop up anywhere along the arc of a relationship, because you share more as a relationship grows. However, the fear is particularly acute early on. When the other person doesn’t know you well, they don’t have the context with which to understand the full meaning of your actions. Will they read more into what you’ve said or done than what’s there? Even worse, will they get locked into an opinion about you, or a judgment, and not take in any new disconfirming information? There’s an old adage: “To know all is to forgive all.” If someone knew all the circumstances that led you to behave a certain way, they would be more likely to forgive what might initially seem egregious. But it’s not necessarily so simple. You can’t share everything about yourself at once or too early in the process of becoming known.

Fear of disclosure can pop up anywhere along the arc of a relationship, because you share more as a relationship grows. However, the fear is particularly acute early on. When the other person doesn’t know you well, they don’t have the context with which to understand the full meaning of your actions. Will they read more into what you’ve said or done than what’s there? Even worse, will they get locked into an opinion about you, or a judgment, and not take in any new disconfirming information? There’s an old adage: “To know all is to forgive all.” If someone knew all the circumstances that led you to behave a certain way, they would be more likely to forgive what might initially seem egregious. But it’s not necessarily so simple. You can’t share everything about yourself at once or too early in the process of becoming known.