Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them

by Karl Pillemer

The expectations we have for the behavior of others emerge from the personal relationship history, but also from powerful social norms of how people should behave toward one another. These standards for behavior are often taken for granted—until they are broken. In fact, the existence of the family depends on a feeling of group membership based on shared norms. They embody joint expectations for the amount, type, and timing of support we will receive from our relatives.

For many people, simply knowing that one’s siblings are present in the world and available in time of need is a comforting thought. In some families, however, sibling contact is contentious and difficult. When expectations are severely violated, some people break the sibling bond.

We grew up in a home with a depressed father and a very codependent mother, so we didn’t really have a lot of experience with conflict resolution. Pretty much everything was swept under the rug, and we were never given those tools.

As the estrangement took hold, Grace came to regret it. As she explained to me: I’d love to have our relationship be the way it was, but I don’t know that it could ever be that way. We both expected things from the other one that just didn’t happen. Now we’re holding on to all the disappointment, and we can’t let things go. If you hold on to things, it’s hard to go back to how it used to be. When my father died, I was tearful, I cried and apologized. I even said to Marlene, “I don’t want to lose you too. I already lost my parents.” But it just wasn’t enough. I said: “Can’t we work it out? What can we do?” And she wouldn’t even look at me, she wouldn’t talk to me. She turned away, and I left in tears that day.

Some of the most damaging rifts I encountered involved the wholesale rejection of family members because of how they decided to lead their lives. In such cases, it is not a matter of straightforward arguments or disagreements. Instead, the person’s very worth as a human being, deserving of respect and autonomy, is called into question. The relative comes to embody the rejection of values another holds sacred, and any sense of tolerance is lost. Resolution is extremely difficult, because the “ask” is not trivial; it is essentially a request to become a different person.

At a time when she most needed the support of her extended family, they abandoned her because of a clash in values.

I became estranged from my mother, and because my mother is the matriarch of the family, I also lost contact with my father. The extended family is pretty much ruled by my mother, so then I lost contact with uncles and aunts and cousins. I was excluded from all family gatherings at my mom’s house. I truly became a stranger in my own family, at a time when I was most vulnerable.

Her mother’s intolerance disrupted the entire family, interfering with Marian’s relationship with her own children. Despite the estrangement, Marian allowed her children to stay in contact with their grandparents.

I think it was really important for them to know their mom wasn’t going to take them away from anybody. They can love their grandparents,

My children needed a family.

and it got torn apart when my mother decided to disown me. I feel bad for my kids.

in an interconnected world where it feels challenging to avoid anyone for a long period of time, the silence is stunningly complete.

“stonewalling” in relationships, in which one person shuts down, withdraws from interaction, and closes himself

five common points,

The Power of a Single Event.

“last straw” events that serve as critical turning points in the relationship.

Diverging Views of the Past.

each person involved can cite incidents (and sometimes the same incident) to support his or her point of view.

Unclear Boundaries.

as adults, a degree of detachment and differentiation is needed for a mature relationship.

The Role of Others.

children may try to promote peace

Estrangement does not end with the family members immediately involved but ripples out across the kinship network.

Breakdown in Communication.

the inability to have reasonable dialogue led to a breaking point.

Establishing new ground rules for communication is a key component of trying out a reconciliation.

your story is uniquely your own and no one else’s.

Take an hour or two to craft your own narrative.

narratives do not just recount the facts from a personal memory. Instead, they transform the many details into stories about important experiences. Our narratives, in turn, help guide our behavior in the future and how we connect with others.

What is the history of your estrangement? How did it start, what happened next, and where do things stand today? It can help to think of your experience as if it were a book: What are the main chapters, from the beginning to the present day? What do you think caused the estrangement? What do you think is your relative’s view of what caused the estrangement? Was there a specific event that began the estrangement? If so, what happened? Do you believe anything could have been done to prevent the estrangement? Is there anything you or someone else could have done differently? If you were talking to someone in a similar situation, what kind of advice would you give him or her about coping with an estrangement? Where do you think the relationship with your relative will be this time next year? In five years?

your story may appear to have reached an end, with the finality of “I’m done.” But many stories of estrangement have alternative, and unexpected, endings.

“IT NEVER STOPS HURTING”: LIVING IN A RIFT I am 100 percent confident that being estranged from my daughter has knocked ten or twenty years off my life. I would tell people going through this that they should not underestimate how much stress they’re under. It’s really, really difficult. Emotionally, I’m a wreck. There is hardly a day that goes by that I don’t cry. I continue to go to work, I continue to try to do what I have to do, but it’s very hard. The holidays are lonely, birthdays are lonely. I find I don’t particularly want to be around other families. When I see other people my age and their daughters doing things together, I avoid being there. I haven’t really found a way to cope yet. And I don’t see an end in sight. I don’t know how there would be. I continue to reach out, but I don’t know what to do.

the media have lowered our expectations for family life in recent years. We hear reports that traditional family bonds have broken down, that the extended family is a thing of the past, and that we have entered a “post-family” era.

Pew Research Center tell us that “there is no longer one dominant family form in the United States. Parents today are raising their children against a backdrop of increasingly diverse and, for many, constantly evolving family forms.”

does estrangement still matter in our more fluid and less structured society? The answer, based on my research and the work of social scientists and clinicians, is a resounding yes. It profoundly matters.

deep sadness, long for reconnection, and wish that they could turn back the clock and act differently to prevent the rift.

Every day I have to wrap myself and insulate myself and protect myself, because it’s an open wound. You can’t fix it; you can’t change it. It’s still there every day. You can’t recover from it. I will tell you: I went through divorce; I went through heart surgery—piece of cake compared with losing a child like this.

humans are hardwired for these effects. I call them the “four threats of estrangement,” because individually and cumulatively, they threaten mental, social, and physical well-being. One core principle underlies the four threats: Human nature is such that our happiness depends on reliable, secure, and predictable social relationships, and without them we feel lost.

our brains were wired for: reaching out to and interacting with others.”

“chronic stress,” a set of challenging circumstances that persist over a long period of time. Second, estrangement disrupts biologically based patterns of attachment, causing anxiety and insecurity. Third, family rifts involve social rejection, which research shows is extraordinarily damaging. Fourth, estrangement violates a basic psychological need for certainty, instead creating a situation that is disturbingly ambiguous. Estrangement disrupts what are still the most reliable ties available in our society:

most people are resilient and quickly bounce back to a steady state. Your heart rate rises, your muscles get tense, and you breathe quickly for a while. This doesn’t last long, however, and soon you are back to whatever the normal level is for you. Another form of stress, however, has very damaging consequences: what scientists refer to as “chronic stress.” Acute stress is time-limited

there is nothing good to say about chronic stress. Chronic stress depletes your physical and mental resources, grinding you down on a day-to-day basis. It occurs in situations where demands are unrelenting and we do not see a way to break free from the causes of the stress.

The effects of chronic stress are very serious; it lowers your resistance to other life problems, worsens your daily mood, and impairs your physical health.

Even if the stressor is not actually present—say, for example, the big argument with a child or parent occurred months ago—we re-create the event in our minds. We play the scene over and over in our imagination, ruminating about it long afterward. This kind of thinking has the same psychological and physical effects as the event itself, so we suffer by keeping the stress alive in our thoughts.

missing them so much, and not being able to do anything about it. There’s a sadness in me that just will not go away.

My feelings haven’t changed. I love her. I’m in a state of bewilderment. I don’t know what to do. It shouldn’t matter, but it does. It matters to me. I’m just in the same pathetic place I was last year, basically. I make a conscious effort to accept it, but I know I haven’t, because even if I manage to shove it out of my mind during the day, I dream about it at night. It’s like I’m sabotaging myself. The longer time goes on, the less hope I have, so the sadder I feel.

leads to problems like depression, anxiety, insomnia, low self-esteem, and feelings of helplessness. It’s why people don’t “just get over it” when they are estranged.

One of the most powerful ideas about how humans develop is attachment theory. Research into understanding bonding between parents and children has shown that attachment plays a major role in relationships at every stage of our lives. When children feel frightened or stressed, they seek out an attachment figure, usually a parent. They find in the attachment figure a sense of security and a “safe haven” they can turn to for comfort when they are anxious.

This process of seeking out an adult who offers care and protection is built into children. Indeed, it helped ensure human survival because our offspring cannot fend for themselves for many years. When people to whom they are attached are easily accessible and responsive, children feel secure; if not, children respond with anxiety. Growing up in a family, we develop attachments to parents and other members naturally; it becomes part of our mental makeup. This biologically based process of bonding has enormous effects over the entire life course. We never cease to need the benefits that attachment relationships provide. People to whom we have lifelong attachments serve as a secure base when we are in trouble, protecting us when needed physically or psychologically. The presence of these attached figures helps us get through life’s difficulties and, more important, gives us a feeling of being at home

Because family members are specific, irreplaceable individuals, our attachment leads to feelings of separation anxiety, yearning for the relationship, and disruptions in our other social relationships. The human bonding that occurred over years of childhood makes us feel deeply insecure