Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them

by Karl Pillemer

When two people split the family, they are often thinking only of themselves. Caught up in a vortex of anger, blame, and conflict, they focus on their own hurts and bruised egos. They may take extreme stands, believing that they have been wronged, and are consumed by a desire to retaliate. Their own issues become of paramount importance, leading to what we identified in Chapter 2 as “perseverative cognitions.” Hurtful events are played out over and over in the imagination. As the spiral of negative interactions mounts, a complete cutoff becomes more and more attractive. Each side seeks out supporters for their position, and opinions toward the other side become hardened. At that point, my interviewees told me, people should stop and ask the question: What are the long-term consequences of a rift for the well-being of the rest of the family, extending over generations? What example is being set for children and grandchildren regarding the value of family solidarity versus self-interest? Do we want them to learn the lesson of outright rejection of those with whom we disagree? Is an estrangement worth an end to family gatherings, friendship among cousins, ties to uncles and aunts? These are critically important questions, because once broken, the connections are very difficult to repair.