Some people described actions of their own that objectively appeared to be causes of estrangement, but they did not interpret them as “deal breakers.” Typically, the person who cut them off provided them with a detailed description of the reasons, often in the form of a letter. Respondents dismissed such messages as “crazy” or “just plain wrong.” Estranged relatives described themselves as walking in a fog of ignorance, struggling to understand how the rift could have occurred in their families. But they also offered reasons, and sometimes plenty of them. I came to describe this paradox as
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