Terminal Boredom: Stories

by Izumi Suzuki

onerous

The men who invented the steam engine probably never expected to set in motion events that would bring an end to their own kind.

Women have been left carefully husbanding the scant resources of a planet stripped bare by men.

zelkovas

American Graffiti

Has the world taken a step backward?

But I was miles away, lost in my own thoughts.

Like most people these days, I don’t overthink things. I’ll go along with whatever. No firm beliefs, no hang-ups. Just a lack of self-confidence tangled up in fatalistic resignation. Whatever the situation, nothing ever reaches me on an emotional level. Nothing’s important. Because I won’t let it be. I operate on mood alone. No regrets, no looking back.

futzing

schmaltz.

—Being scared isn’t gonna change anything.

ostinato.

‘There’s that face again!’ I handed her the mug of coffee, grinning like a fool. ‘Hey, what did you expect? At my age, when I wake up, I need a minute to sit here and just sigh at … I don’t know, the heartless logic of this world.’ ‘You mean time?’

petulant

resplendent

I guess it never occurred to her that she might be able to function in reality if she could just get over her self-effacing transference.

She’s always wanted to forget her own wretchedness, even if only for a second. She couldn’t have made it this far without const...

While I fielded her questions, I had to ask myself: What was it about her that was turning me into a man? Got to be all that femininity. She’s acting like such a woman (as society defines the role, anyway) that I have to play the man just to keep the balance. What if I ran into a boy? Could I even play the part of a woman?

Everything feels serious, and everything feels like a pose, not that it really makes any difference. I can act all kinds of ways, but in the end it’s always an act.

a tape.

indolent.

We need to resist the temptation of perpetual convenience, every corner spick and span. Human beings only grow through hardship.

When people behave shamefully, their children follow suit.

‘I wish there were an ocean nearby. Seaside highways are so dreamy.’

Lately, I’ve been doubting the advisability of giving anything your all.’

He understood the problem, however tenuously. His parents were uncomfortable with playing Earthlings on this foreign planet. In an effort to conceal their discomfort, they obsessively adhered to social customs, codes of behaviour. Since they were unsure of what, exactly, was the best way for an Earthling to behave, they held themselves and their children to impossible ideals. Their pursuit of the history of their ancestors, too, was a function of their desire for peace of mind.

This got Junior thinking. What if I’m the only one unstuck from time?

Fulgurous

modicum

‘When did your mum say that?’ ‘When she was thirty-six. It was a dreadful age for her. All she wanted was to hit reset and start everything over again from twenty-five.’ ‘Twenty-five? Why so specific?’ ‘That’s how old she was when she got married.’

‘You’re right. It’s so easy to end up imagining stuff when you’re idle.’

I haven’t told Emi about this yet, but I had absolutely no friends before this year. It was a serious problem – and not one that could be easily explained away by shyness or introversion. I did have an idea of why people didn’t like me, but I just wasn’t prepared to admit it. I consoled myself by deciding that I hated other people and had no desire to love anyone.

‘You know, lately,’ I begin, slowly, ‘I’m finding it hard to identify what happiness and pleasure are.’

‘Everyone thinks they’re unique when they have these moments of clarity.

I no longer care about happiness or unhappiness. I just hope the scenery’s pretty, wherever I am.

sycophant.

Aging is the only way I can imagine dying. Any other way is too scary. I’m terribly afraid of death.

Nothing needed my attention.

Physical labour is better. I don’t have to think about things. When I begin thinking, I start to dislike myself.

‘I’ve never loved anybody, Emma.’ He gave her a weak smile. Her pride was horribly wounded now.

‘You couldn’t even fill a school newsletter with the amount that you produce.’ ‘That’s not a problem where I’m from. Our newspapers are less than half the size of the ones on Earth, and some days they’re only four pages long. There’s no evening paper, either. It’s an easy-going sort of place. It’s our agriculture and livestock that keep the place going. We’ve got a good climate. Nobody really wants an important job, and they only accept one out of a sense of duty. Even then, there’s nothing pathological about the way that people work. Unlike your sister’s husband, who only makes it home twice a week.’

have kids (yikes!)

they’re quiet like the best boxers are quiet.’

don’t forget things!’ Emma tweaked the flesh of his cheek and he turned to face her. ‘Not while they’re still going on, no. But as soon as something’s over, it’s as if it never happened. Same with war, even. I went back and looked through the records from 1950 onwards. What with us living in Tokyo and your parents’ commitment to their Japanese heritage, I decided to see how much people remember of the Korean and Vietnam wars. I looked into the records from the American side too.’ ‘But we’re not in the age of Japan and America anymore! Now we’ve got a World President. I know a lot of people say it’s just for show, but still. Even the capital city moves periodically!’ ‘Sure, on the surface it’s as you say. But in reality, people are more concerned with what country they’re from than the fact they’re Terrans. In the USA, people used to worry about whether they were of Italian or Irish heritage or whatever. Then there were several generations when people of all different heritages began to mix together, and now we’re seeing the emergence of an American race, although it’s still only in its formative stages. Which means that everyone’s only serving their own national interests, just like they used to in the past. Don’t you think that’s odd? In an age where there are so many spaceships being built and everyone supposedly has their eyes trained on what lies beyond their own planet, each and every nation is looking to become something like the British Empire. They all want theirs ...

There would come a time when they would accept one another entirely. One day that time would come – it had to come.

There was no way anyone could live in a world like this with a fully functioning mind. You only found yourself feeling angry from morning until night. If she ended up joining some kind of political movement as a result, her mother and father would be upset. Using drugs, she told herself, was her way of being a good daughter.

‘Their race knows sadness, but it doesn’t come to the fore-front of their consciousness. We know sadness too. In fact, if anything our sense of sadness is better defined. But between the two of our races, it’s the Terrans who are the more tragic. They have limits in the form of decrepitude and death.’

‘Despair is an incredibly deep, clear emotion. In a way, it’s similar to the very peak of psychic disengagement. That’s why it’s not really accompanied by sadness.’

A faint bitterness spread through her. Was this jealousy? But, no, as far as Luana was concerned, it wasn’t jealousy that Emma felt. This was a feeling she’d had before. Without being aware of it, Emma was jealous of Sol’s very existence in this world. Sol was impossible to understand. Even when she clung to him like this, she felt that the largest part of him was off wandering through some unknown territory all alone. Even in her arms, he was always able to liberate himself from her, to make himself free. She envied him that. Sol was an alien.

‘What is it?’ ‘I feel so lonely.’ ‘That feeling will go away when you learn to trust me completely.’ ‘Complete trust is a delusion.’ Emma rested her head on his shoulder. ‘What about complete forgiveness, then?’ ‘Complete forgiveness …’ Emma lifted her head and looked at him. Then she said very slowly, ‘That’s really difficult. I don’t think I can do it.’ ‘But if you could, you wouldn’t feel lonely.’