The Tragedy of Heterosexuality

by Jane Ward

Some years ago, I was chatting about parenting with a lesbian couple with a child close in age to my own. We arrived at the topic of children’s sexuality, and one of the lesbian moms made a comment I have heard before, a comment that lesbian and gay people are perhaps more likely to share openly than lefty straight parents: “If I am to be totally honest, I would prefer, for our child’s sake, that he isn’t gay. We don’t want him to have to deal with the challenges that come with being gay.” Despite the stark reality of homophobic bullying, this logic didn’t ring true to me, and I was struck by how normalized it had become to say something about queerness (“No one would choose to be gay” or “I don’t want my child to be gay like me”) that most people I know would be quite unlikely to say about almost any other form of difference subject to violence and oppression. I then asked these lesbian moms, “Do you really feel that way? Do you feel like your own life has been so terrible that you wish your parents could have saved you from it? Do you feel that being straight would have been better for you?” These women both smiled, looked at each other, laughed, and said, “No. I see your point.” I didn’t probe further, but what I imagined those sly smiles were reflecting was their instantaneous flashback to all that was pleasurable and joyous about their lesbian lives. I have no idea what they were actually thinking, but the point here is that I suspect many queers love (the queer part ...