Fifteen Hundred Miles from the Sun

by Jonny Garza Villa

It’s because he knows. He’s known I’m gay even before I knew it myself. Before I knew what the word was. And he’s intent on keeping me from acknowledging it. Intent on ensuring I hate that part of myself.

Güelo,

As a Latinx person and reader, couldn't just he had said Buelo or abuelo or another name but with the right way of writing it, I know it can be said that way but it just felt strange...

Crushing on the hot, heroic, melanated, straight boy borders on being too cliché.

I know nothing would ever happen, though.

Old good memories of Bran comes to my mind, How this was what I used to think before everything. At the end guess something could always happen. Never Forget that something could change when the time goes by.

One: because I exist so deeply in the closet, I could be in Narnia by now.

it doesn’t hurt anyone to imagine making out. He’s the one who brought it up.

this always happens to me, He is the one who bring everything up and I just Imagine it.

the mixture of never knowing what’s going on and my growing impatience for lunch is a recipe for the least possible amount of productivity.

Everytime I go to the school feel this kind of way, I just cannot help it sometimes, it just becomes a habit

I don’t know if they realize how much I’ve relied on their friendship over the years. On something as simple as ignoring rumors or standing by me through insults or when someone tries to be an ass. I don’t doubt they have their own suspicions about my sexuality, but I’m thankful they’re allowing me to figure out when, where, and how I come to terms with and vocalize it.

these are the kind of friends I have and I really LOVE, every person has the right to come out whenever they please and no one, not even your friends have to preasure you on that matter, if they do, they're not your friends.

last thing I’d want to do is disappoint him or shatter our relationship because I’m a very different sort of man’s man.

No one really wants some relationship to be broken just because of the way they are, everyone wants to stay still, but that choice sometimes is impossible to take.

discreet Twitter account, @andwhataboutittt, which I use for gawking at hot boys, tweeting about Ariana Grande, and keeping up with a few drag queens and the popular Twitter gays.

litterally myself in a phrase

You can’t have been friends with her for this long and not have thought the two of you could be good together.”

he’s not worried what people might assume. He’s worried that they’ll find out they’re right. And that he won’t have any choice but to confront it.

I don’t want you to ever question whether our friendship comes with limitations.”

there was always a little voice in the back of my head that would whisper, What if I lose them? What if they hate me because of this?”

EVERY GAY PERSON has this voice inside them, some of them are so strong and so afraid of this that they never want to get out of the closet. I feel him

You’re my brother, and who you bang or, I guess, get banged by—depending on what you’re into—isn’t gonna change that.”

OK where have you been hiding all my life? Now I’m crossing my fingers that you end up in LA for college. And if you happen to still be looking for a BF at that point I’d like to preemptively volunteer! Congrats on coming out too. Hope it’s been nothing but kindness.

I am LAUGHING MY ASS OFF AT THIS POINT, this book it is getting better and funnier along the way

There’s been a lot of hugging this morning, but I’m not complaining. It reminds me that this is real. That my coming-out isn’t some confusing dream. And that I’ll be okay.

I hate having to be cautious around my dad.”

Mat-yellow-heart-emoji-sun-emoji is.

This couldn't be cuter "mat💛☀️"

I think how all it takes is to see his face and I’m immediately happier.

“You aren’t worried about what people might think?” “Not really. I could do a lot worse than you.”

If I wanna comfort my bro by rubbing my shirtless body against his, I’m gonna do it.”

“Straight boys are so fucking weird,”

How do I not let them have that power over me? I’ve felt vulnerable and angry all day because I couldn’t go a week without people making a joke or an insult about my sexuality.

He would let me vent about everything that’s happened in the past fourteen hours. And then he’d distract me from those concerns and make them all seem unimportant.

I need a comfort that I imagine can only come from being embraced, kissed, and told that nothing else in this world—outside this room—matters. But that all seems so tragically unattainable.

life would be immeasurably easier if I had someone who had some of these same experiences here—not

I do know what it feels like to be lonely. Even when I’m surrounded by people who care for me.

now I don’t want to exist alone. I want someone who makes me feel the opposite.

A life fifteen hundred miles away from what’s felt like continual gray and where I can finally be in the sun.

Don’t ruin a relationship with someone who’s obviously good for you as a friend—”

I will not get into something that has no hope of being successful.

I want that so badly. But I’m gonna mess this up, and—I need you.”

I’m supposed to do nothing. I’m supposed to want to be friends and nothing more. I’m supposed to not let myself get romantic feelings for someone when I know how hard it’s going to be to make this work for even a little bit. I’m supposed to keep myself from getting into something that has almost no chance of being successful and will most likely ruin this friendship.

“Everyone deserves happiness.”

I get that sometimes we butt heads. But I hope you know I’m trying my best.

At least I’m trying to be happy. And I’m not letting other people tell me how to live my life anymore.

I realized I was either with you all the way or not at all.

but I ignore it for now. “I’m Carlos, by the way.” “Julián.”

I'm just saying Carlos deserved better, LEMME BE HISSSSSS

“I—I worry that one day you’ll realize I’m not worth your time. That there isn’t a lot to like about me. Some days, being optimistic is hard.”

That I’m scared. And that sometimes I feel as if I’m going to mess everything up. That I’ll lose you.

I have exactly zero normal friends. And I can’t think of a better way to start my eighteenth birthday.

And I hate myself for it. For being scared. For letting one word and one person have this tight, invisible grip on my throat. For feeling so small.

“All I wanted was to not hate myself anymore. I spent too much time thinking I was broken. Unnatural. Unlovable. Tiring myself out from trying so hard to force myself to be anything else.”

“If that’s what I’d have to do, I don’t need Heaven, Dad. It’s not worth this. I wouldn’t survive the life you want for me.”

even after all those times, hearing all those things that made me believe otherwise, I still love Dad.

Leo comes to my mind how could he take this??)

Dad gave me everything I could need. Except for the one thing that shouldn’t have terms or conditions. That should be a given. That should be so easy. Acceptance. At least I have a few people in my life who are happy to give me theirs.

The gravest sin of all would be to keep you from experiencing the fullness of this life. As long as whoever you give your heart to is good to you and for you and doesn’t put ketchup on his tamales, then bueno.”

You want to have your entire life planned out, but life isn’t something that will take orders or that we can construct in a way we’ll always be comfortable with.”

“But remember the four Cs for good gay sex,” Ruben adds. “Consent, cleanliness, communication, and condoms.”

This is a set reminder for me, always remember this 4C's of the gay sex