Help Is On the Way

by Mindy Kaling

I dislike FaceTime because I can never tell if someone is on the toilet or not,

Our conversation was cheerful, slightly awkward, and, thankfully, brief. I learned that Rose was ethnically Indian but from Guyana. I knew nothing about Guyana except that it’s where over nine hundred people died in the Jonestown massacre, which didn’t feel like a tonally correct fun fact to bring up.

I had read the baby books, of course, but could remember literally nothing but one fact: “babies are born without kneecaps.” What the hell was I supposed to do with that information? Invite some gangster to take retribution against me by kneecapping my baby and then laugh when he realizes it’s physically impossible?

In Los Angeles, if you tell people you give your baby formula, they look at you like you just said you force-feed her Sprite through a beer bong.