Please Like Me (But Keep Away)

by Mindy Kaling

It’s confusing, because I love, even crave, the company of my friends and family. But if I don’t know the people well or have control over the situation, I feel uncomfortable and tense.

Catastrophizing is my general approach to all social events: how, when, and why it will implode are the first things I think about when I’m throwing a party. And that all takes time!

Why is it that chatting with friends is energizing, but making small talk with acquaintances takes such monumental effort?

And you know what’s even worse than engaging in small talk? Ending a conversation.

The problem was I didn’t want just anyone’s company. I wanted the company of funny, smart, like-minded people. That’s when I realized something about myself: I would rather be lonely than bored.

My barometer for making friends is that you can’t get to know someone by hearing about everything they like—you need to hear about what they don’t like. It’s only when you are willing to go out on a limb by admitting you’re not a fan of something that you’re vulnerable enough to earn my trust.

So my second realization was that I would rather be lonely than be friends with non-friends. Losing friends is hard, but losing fake friends, as it turns out, is pretty damn easy.

B.J. understands my social anxiety. He knows I crave company but don’t like most people.

People who know I have social anxiety like to say things like: “You may not want to go out, but you should just force yourself. You’ll be glad you did!” That is a lie. I enter the party with my heart racing, scrambling to find the nearest bar, and ultimately wind up talking for hours to the teenage daughters of the host, who love The Office.

For everyone there, it was absolutely the best party they’d ever been to. For me, it was a total stimulus overload as I tried to avoid every person I’ve ever met in the past sixteen years.

I knew that the only way to triumph over my crippling social anxiety was with hard work and preparation.