More Than A Body: Your Body Is an Instrument, Not an Ornament

by Lexie Kite

Positive body image isn’t believing your body looks good; it is knowing your body is good, regardless of how it looks.

Advertising targeted at girls and women largely relies upon us believing two things: 1) our happiness, health, and ability to be loved are dependent on our appearance; and 2) it is possible to achieve physical ideals—and thus become worthy of happiness, health, and love—with the help of the right products or services.

Will you unfollow, mute, unsubscribe, or otherwise limit or avoid consuming this type of content? Which particular sources do you think could be distorting your view of reality and reinforcing a misleading body image map? If you want to minimize the negative effects of media in your life, you can start by turning away from the messages that do not serve you and free up time and space to make more discerning choices about what you take into your mind and heart. Set a goal to eliminate any media choices that distort, misrepresent, objectify, or actively harm you or others. Walk out of theaters, cancel subscriptions, turn those tabloids over in the checkout aisle, find a new TV show to love, unfollow that influencer, mute that friend or colleague. You won’t regret the sacrifice, and your willingness to be careful and conscious of the messages you surround yourself with will yield immediate rewards. When it comes to the latest body ideal trends and the hottest solutions to newly identified female flaws, ignorance really is bliss. If you don’t know about it, you don’t have to feel bad about it.

Ask them the same critical questions you ask yourself when you’re watching any type of media—questions like: Why do these people or characters look the way they do? Do any of them look like me or people I know? Did the people who created this show value girls and women as more than pretty decorations or romantic partners? Is somebody hoping we’ll buy something after we watch, read, or listen to this message? How does this message make you feel? How do you think it would make other people feel?

We recommend that you err on the side of caution by shielding kids from their own independent social media access for as long as possible. We don’t think any kid under age twelve should have unfettered internet access, let alone free range on social media with their own accounts. Even after age twelve, web access should be monitored, restricted, and lovingly guided as much as possible. Use your own judgment as a cautious, caring caregiver, and be open about your reasoning. This will not make you a popular parent or caregiver, but it is the kindest thing you can do for a kid who does not understand what they’re asking for. They might think that by not having their own social media profile, they are missing out on the fun things all their friends are experiencing, but what they are really missing out on is often heartache, disappointment, comparison, loneliness, and feelings of inadequacy.

When your child comes to you asking to join one of these photo- and video-driven social media platforms, take the opportunity to talk with them about what research and real-life experience brings to light with a pros and cons list. First, ask them why they want to use Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, or whatever the newest apps and platforms are. What do they think they will like about it? Listen to their thoughts and consider them along with other things we know people appreciate about social media, like these: Pros

When it comes to grooming choices, it is up to each of us to figure out what is oppressive and what is creative self-expression or simply personal preference. When are you coping with shame by trying to hide or fix your “flaws”? When are you having fun using fashion and makeup as creative self-expression? Taking inventory of your beauty-related choices can help you reflect and draw a line for yourself to determine what might be oppressive and what is fun and worthwhile.

A 2016 study in the Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology on five- to seven-year-old girls and their mothers revealed what our own lived experiences often make clear: when mothers and their young daughters are put together in front of a mirror, girls emulate how their mothers talk about their bodies. If mom disparages her body, daughter will say equally degrading things about her own body.

In a piece written for the New York Times on the fashion industry’s gender divide, writer Sara Clemence laments the effort it took her to find appropriate clothing for her young daughter that would provide the same pockets, enforced knees, and utilitarian design she could find for her son: “I found girls’ sections filled with lightweight leggings, scoop-neck tops, and embellished shoes. I scoured the internet for girls’ pants with capacious pockets and reinforced knees, and found maddeningly few options. I eventually realized that, even in an age of female fighter pilots and #MeToo, boys’ clothes are largely designed to be practical, while girls’ are designed to be pretty . . . It’s not just about avoiding skinned knees, but also the subtle and discouraging message that’s woven right into girls’ garments: you are dressed to decorate, not to do.”

Looks-based compliments can sometimes be really nice, but we can all dig deeper—especially for someone you see regularly or know on a level deeper than the surface. Instead of telling her, “You look amazing!” tell her, “You are amazing!” Obviously, you should get more specific whenever possible. What have you observed in her character, talents, actions—or really, anything other than how she appears—that you find admirable or worth acknowledging?

“Thanks! And I’m smart, too!” Not only is it adorable, but it also drives home a perfectly appropriate and enlightening point. Some people will be offended and defensive regardless of how kindly you share your perspective—and in those cases, be compassionate about the comfort zone they’re coming from—but some will be able to graciously take your note and make changes.

One long-term study of almost 12,000 people of all sizes pinpointed four important lifestyle habits for living a healthier, longer life: eating five or more servings of fruits or vegetables daily, not smoking, limiting alcohol consumption, and exercising at least twelve times per month. In the study, these habits were associated with a significant decrease in mortality regardless of BMI—in other words, the people who practiced those four healthy habits lived longer, regardless of whether they were categorized as “normal weight” or “obese.”

We believe women are suffering not only because of the ways beauty is being defined; we are suffering because we are being defined by beauty. We are burdened with the task of looking beautiful and feeling beautiful (to others as well as to ourselves) because we live in a world that defines our value in terms of our physical appeal to others and defines our body image in terms of our physical appeal to ourselves. Being viewed as objects is the real root of our problem, not which beauty ideals are in vogue for female objects.

Because women eagerly consume other women’s bodies in media in an attempt to validate their own worthiness to be consumed. Audiences eagerly participate in these disguised marketing campaigns by liking and retweeting and sharing what appear to be empowering images and messages, while those messages effectively serve to enrich the seller—whether the seller believes a word of their #bopo message or not.

What does it really mean when a woman who undergoes cosmetic procedures says, “I did it for me”? Unless the person saying this is into recreational surgery, then what this statement might really mean is: “I did it to look better.” When women elect to undergo cosmetic procedures on the premise that it’s “for me,” they’re almost always speaking from a place of self-objectification, or viewing their bodies from an outsider’s perspective. They’re saying they like how they look more when they’re seeing their own reflections or wearing a swimsuit, and when others are looking at them. In turn, they’re saying they’ll feel better because they will think they look better. (Note that we’re not talking about surgery for mastectomy reconstruction, gender confirmation, or to address pain or health complications.)

The waves of jealousy or competitiveness you sometimes feel when seeing someone else is looking extra great or getting attention you wish you had? They can go away, or at least lessen. When you reconnect with your bigger sense of self, you will naturally engage in less self-comparison, and you won’t feel as threatened by someone else’s perceived wins or thrilled by their perceived losses. Your relationships will be strengthened, and you will be able to see the good in people beyond your perception of their looks.

we are hit with a barrage of people telling us to stop being jealous of women’s progress and to just let people celebrate their “wins.” We want people to understand that the harms of valuing and devaluing people based on their bodies still exist whether you personally feel the negative consequences or not. If we don’t want beauty and body judgment to break us down, then we can’t let it build us up either.