More Than A Body: Your Body Is an Instrument, Not an Ornament

by Lexie Kite

When we are self-objectifying, our identities are split in two: the one living her life and the one watching and judging her. We become our very own self-conscious identical twin, an onlooker to ourselves, monitoring how we look rather than how we are feeling or what we are doing. We live, and we imagine how we look as we live, adjusting and contorting

ourselves accordingly. We watch from afar as our bodies become our primary means of identity and value. Our feelings about and perceptions of our bodies—our body image—become warped into our feelings about how we appear to ourselves and others. We learn that the most important thing about women is their bodies, and the most important thing about women’s bodies is how they look.

Positive body image isn’t believing your body looks good; it is knowing your body is good, regardless of how it looks.

When you experience being objectified by others or become aware of the unavoidable objectification of bodies in our media, culture, and personal interactions, you learn to view yourself that way, and your identity becomes divided: the whole, embodied human on the beach, and the self-objectifying, image-focused part of yourself trying to stay afloat in the water. You leave behind your embodied, whole, complete self on the shore as you wade, dive, or get pulled into the water. As your clothes, skin, and hair get drenched, you are pulled into a new way of navigating and understanding the world and your place in it. Once you’re in the water, you quickly start to become acclimated to it. After a while, it doesn’t shock you or take your breath away anymore. It might even start to feel more comfortable than the air and land outside. You drift farther and farther from More Than a Body Beach.

Positive body image is an inside job. When we keep attempting to fix an internal, mental problem with outside, physical solutions, those quick fixes will never really solve our problems, nor will they prepare us to respond effectively to future body image disruptions.

Keep your eyes out, and you’ll see the truth: Advertising targeted at girls and women largely relies upon us believing two things: 1) our happiness, health, and ability to be loved are dependent on our appearance; and 2) it is possible to achieve physical ideals—and thus become worthy of happiness, health, and love—with the help of the right products or services.

Cellulite occurs because of the way women’s fat cells attach to skin’s connective tissue. No matter how little fat or how much fat they may have, women’s fat cells most often attach in a cube-like pattern to skin tissue, which can create the effect of a rough surface. Men’s fat cells generally attach in a crisscross pattern that prevents any puckering.

Focus instead on what you see, feel, and experience in real life, in your own body, face-to-face with others.

Self-objectification is the invisible prison of picturing yourself being looked at instead of just fully living. It is the soul-sucking act of policing and monitoring yourself against your worst fears of what someone else might be thinking when they look at you.

In 1792, feminist writer Mary Wollstonecraft described this invisible confinement of feeling that we’re defined by our bodies at the expense of our humanity: “Taught from their infancy that beauty is woman’s scepter, the mind shapes itself to the body, and roaming round its gilt cage, only seeks to adorn its prison.” When our body images and self-images are defined primarily by how we look, our bodies become our prisons.

It is undeniably hard to see your purpose—your reasons for being—outside of your looks when the message you are repeatedly sold is the opposite. It’s hard to be more of who you really are or who you can become when the ways you’ve been taught to show up in the world are all about beautifying it (or reminding you that you must be beautiful and desirable no matter what you are doing).

When it comes to grooming choices, it is up to each of us to figure out what is oppressive and what is creative self-expression or simply personal preference. When are you coping with shame by trying to hide or fix your “flaws”? When are you having fun using fashion and makeup as creative self-expression? Taking inventory of your beauty-related choices can help you reflect and draw a line for yourself to determine what might be oppressive and what is fun and worthwhile.

Rather than berating yourself for feeling a certain way or acting on your feelings in a way that doesn’t serve you, try taking a deep, compassionate breath.

“Self-compassion means being more willing to experience difficult feelings and to acknowledge them as valid and important. The beauty of self-compassion is that instead of trying to get rid of ‘bad’ feelings and replacing them with ‘good’ ones, positive emotions are generated by embracing our suffering with tenderness and care, so that light and dark are experienced simultaneously.” We can change and grow and react differently because we respect and care for ourselves—not because we hate who we are and are trying to punish ourselves.

The parenting dynamic is more complicated when mothers in particular, or other loved ones or close people in positions of authority, have internalized the belief that the look of their bodies is their most important asset and their responsibility to meticulously maintain. Their example can unintentionally pull their children into the dangerous waters of objectification. This belief shows up in negative self-talk, constant restricting and dieting, exercising for weight control or to make up for “bad” food choices, and seeing their children’s appearances as reflections of themselves.

Society sets rules to regulate the ways female bodies are allowed to appear with the intention of protecting the male bodies and minds that apparently need to be externally (and not internally) controlled. This starts young. We measure hemlines and shoulder straps. We ask girls to kneel on the floor to see where their skirt hits or lift their arms to see if any midriff is revealed. We enforce dress codes that outline every female part that needs to be covered. We do our own modesty policing in the whispers of “Look how much of her legs is showing” and “You can see her stomach when she lifts up her arms!” This veiled objectification starts very young. Girls learn the most important thing about them is how they look. Boys learn the most important thing about girls is how they look. Girls look at themselves. Boys look at girls.

Girls are held responsible for boys looking at them. Girls change how they look. Boys keep looking. The problem isn’t how girls look. The problem is how everyone looks at girls.

The push sends us right into the waves and currents of objectification. Even if it wasn’t malicious, the revelation that our

bodies are being appraised by others and having effects we weren’t aware of is a shock that separates us from ourselves. We suddenly exist outside ourselves.

Our ideas about beauty are so incredibly intertwined with our ideas about self-esteem that we often don’t realize the necessity of separating the two. But assuring someone that she is beautiful will not protect her from the pain of being called ugly.

To help a girl’s self-worth and help her build resilience for future beauty-related disappointments, teach her she is more than beautiful. Don’t just reassure her that her body looks great. Teach her that her body is great. Don’t cover her pain with a beauty Band-Aid. Instead, help her see what she can learn from her pain to be stronger, more compassionate, and more driven to alleviate suffering in the world. Tell her who she really is—generous, observant, smart, loving, curious, energetic, creative, articulate, compassionate, talented, etc.

When she can find her many purposes, her body won’t be her go-to source for value or acceptance.

For kids, say something like, “Our fat keeps us warm, protects our insides, and our bodies use it as energy. Isn’t that

cool?” or “You are so lucky your body has fat on it—that means you’re alive and well.” Talk openly about how some bodies have more fat than others, for lots of different reasons, and that how much fat a person has on their body doesn’t tell you anything else about them, including how healthy they are, how strong they are, how nice or smart or successful or happy or lovable or anything else.

The most important work you can do to buoy up the body images of younger generations is to

be aware of your own biases and prejudices about fat, cellulite, stretch marks, weight gain, and anything else you tend to despise in your own body and others’. You need to not only hide those harmful biases and self-deprecating tendencies from your kids, but also actively show them what you appreciate in yourself and others. Show them what you value in the ways you speak about your own body and others’—even celebrities’. Do you admire her strength, talents, fashion choices, words, or actions? Say it. Skip size and weight comments entirely, about yourself and anyone else.

Acknowledge other aspects of their humanity. Give them space to open up to you if they want to. As we learn to truly accept and value body diversity and destigmatize fatness, we give ourselves the space to be considerate of others’ full humanity in the ways we talk to and about them.

Let’s talk openly about sex and the pressures young people feel to engage in sexual relationships, whether they’re emotionally and mentally ready or not. Are you worried that a boy at school might see the outline of a girl’s bum in those leggings, or see down her low-cut shirt, and be distracted? He might. He should get a handle on that and learn how to focus in the face of distractions, because girls and women will never be invisible.

He will have a better life if his success doesn’t hinge on the absence of women.

Be honest with yourself as you consider your own health without focusing on your weight or shape. How do you feel in your daily life? How do you feel when you play with kids, walk down the street, take the stairs instead of the elevator, or go on a hike? Does your body serve you how you want it to? Are you able to do the activities and tasks you want or need to do in your life without getting too winded and struggling through it, or ending up in pain due to lack of cardiovascular fitness or muscle strength? Are you satisfied with the amount of energy you have on a typical day, or are you more

Decreasing our weight in any significant way for any significant amount of time is nearly impossible, despite every profit-driven message to the contrary. Our efforts to lose weight by any means necessary often hurt us in the process, leading to cycles of restricting and