Factotum

by Charles Bukowski

It was the first time I had been alone for five days. I was a man who thrived on solitude; without it I was like another man without food or water. Each day without solitude weakened me. I took no pride in my solitude; but I was dependent on it. The darkness of the room was like sunlight to me. I took a drink of wine.

Once you realized that everything was a hoax you got wise and began to bleed and burn your fellow man. I’d build an empire upon the broken bodies and lives of helpless men, women, and children—I’d shove it to them all the way. I’d show them!

Frankly, I was horrified by life, at what a man had to do simply in order to eat, sleep, and keep himself clothed. So I stayed in bed and drank. When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn’t have you by the throat.

“Someday,” I told Jan, “when they demonstrate that the world has four dimensions instead of just three, a man will be able to go for a walk and just disappear. No burial, no tears, no illusions, no heaven or hell. People will be sitting around and they’ll say, ‘What happened to George?’ And somebody will say, ‘Well, I don’t know. He said he was going out for a pack of cigarettes.’” “Listen,”

“What kind of a man am I?” I wondered aloud. “My father told me I’d end up like this! Surely I can go out and get something? I’m going to go out and get something…But first, a good drink.”

“You married, Manny?” “No way.” “Women?” “Sometimes. But it never lasts.” “What’s the problem?” “A woman is a full-time job. You have to choose your profession.” “I suppose there is an emotional drain.” “Physical too. They want to fuck night and day.” “Get one you like to fuck.” “Yes, but if you drink or gamble they think it’s a put-down of their love.” “Get one who likes to drink, gamble and fuck.” “Who wants a woman like that?”

“Manny, what are you doing working in auto parts?” “Resting. My ambition is handicapped by laziness.” We had another beer and went back to the warehouse.

“We sat here all day and evening yesterday. You told me about your parents. Your parents hated you. Right?” “Right.” “So now you’re a little crazy. No love. Everybody needs love. It’s warped you.” “People don’t need love. What they need is success in one form or another. It can be love but it needn’t be.” “The Bible says, ‘Love thy neighbor.’” “That could mean to leave him alone. I’m going out to get a paper.”

For each Joan of Arc there is a Hitler perched at the other end of the teeter-totter. The old story of good and evil.

I always started a job with the feeling that I’d soon quit or be fired, and this gave me a relaxed manner that was mistaken for intelligence or some secret power.

kept telling myself that all the women in the world weren’t whores, just mine.

We chatted and after a few minutes a girl came in and handed John the check. He reached across the desk and handed it to me. A decent guy. I heard later that he died soon after that, but Jan and I got our beef stew and our vegetables and our French wine and we went on living.