The Best of Me

by David Sedaris

“Hey, asshole, go trash somebody else’s fucking yard.” I attribute my wife’s language to the fact that she’s one-quarter spaniel.

In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, “Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl.”