I know that’s not much of an explanation. I know it sounds like a cop out, and hardly the most likable trait a man might offer in his defense. But that is what it feels like to lose control of your mind—you actually give up your common sense, sense of decency, sensitivity, even your grip on reality. It was like having a mental illness: the reality was hard for outsiders to grasp, in all of its dimensions. The fact that I’d departed from reality, in my desire to please the Boss, meant that I really and truly had actually taken leave of my senses. As I said at the start, I was in a cult of
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