Be Dazzled

by Ryan La Sala

I’m not just here to win a competition or my mother’s respect. At the end of the day, I’m after one thing: a future, on my terms.

Fandoms, families, fans—they form a buzzy, diverse congregation that makes the annual pilgrimage to the Boston Convention Center at the city’s seaport once a year to celebrate their mythologies and their lore and, of course, pay tribute to their gods. And by gods, I mean cosplayers.

Given how much TV I watch, I know tropes. Broken love is, of course, the perfect origin story for mortal enemies, so I guess that’s ours, but I’m still not sure who the hero is. We hurt each other. The hard kind of hurt that doesn’t heal up quickly.

Some kids do drugs. Some kids start fires. I embroider in the dead of night, for the attention of strangers.

I am doing this for me. This is my only opportunity to secure my future. This is my big chance to propel myself into my destiny. And if I succeed, it will be because I am good enough alone.

I have no idea what we’re building together, between us. But as with all projects, I am determined to find out, and I put in the work to make it the best it can be.

And nothing but winning will be enough for me. All that I do is measured against the person I am trying to become, and his standards are the highest of all. He is strong and unshakeable and kind and joyful. If I can become him, become that, I know the rest will fall into place. But I’m not him yet. I’m me. Anxious, emotional, weak-ass me. No matter how much I reassure myself that I’m ready, that I can do this, a single missed call from Evie sets my anxiety off and reduces me to a babbling kid in a costume.

Maybe I can’t start because I know this can’t end well. Maybe it’s hardest to begin the things we know will bring about ends.

Poor Luca Vitale. Just another pantsless youth, corrupted by arts and crafts.

I shouldn’t blame Luca for leveraging the easiness of a straight-looking partnership. I should blame homophobic people for demanding that kind of act in the first place.

used to think I always knew what came next. I used to think that my plans were as good as destiny, but that’s never been true. I’ve just always been determined, and lucky, and determined to be lucky. But you can’t design a future and expect it to just happen. Like art, you can only start with intent. Your hands build the rest.