Be Dazzled

by Ryan La Sala

I’m less prideful and far less pointy.

I told myself I wouldn’t freak out, but when I’m down, I’m down. I can’t stop thinking about him. Even in this moment, when I should be at my best, I feel my smallest.

Reality right now feels a little ruined.

“You look great,” he says. His eyes shine like onyx beads against the soft white makeup masking his brows and head. “Fuck you.”

“I’m sorry, too,” I say. “I’m sorry I’m so angry. I can’t help how I feel.” “Me neither,” Luca says. “What do you mean?” “I mean that I still feel a lot for you, and I don’t know what to do with it all. Inaya and I are close now, but we’re just friends. We just cosplay together. But you and I were more, and I think about it a lot. I think about you a lot. And…” “And what?” “And I know it’s terrible timing, but I still really want to kiss you.

I’ve been given a second chance. Now, more than ever, I’m determined to prove that I’m worth it.

Wasting time is the one thing that makes my anxiety go through the roof, but somehow with Luca, time never feels wasted.

This choice hurts him, but it saves us.

We are two balancing acts, intricately and perilously put together, slowly collapsing into one another. The fallout will be impossible

He has a way of filling me up, captivating me completely.

It’s not bad if it’s not named. But if it’s love? If it’s love, it’s something, and if it’s something, it can’t be nothing. It can’t just go away when it’s hard.

But you can’t design a future and expect it to just happen. Like art, you can only start with intent.

This whole time, I’ve been focusing on the broken pieces of my world, the shreds and scraps that fell away when Luca and I couldn’t figure things out. I’ve lived in that ruin for a long time. Only now am I seeing a new truth: that sometimes the broken bits are just the pieces you need to create something new, something better, something remarkable.

Anxiety is awful like that; it shows you only the worst, and all at once.

I don’t know the extent of what I just lost, but it feels like I’ve lost everything all at once.

I have no choice but to cry. I just wanted to be enough for this one person, and for a long time, it seemed like I was. I got used to it. I got used to the way he looked at me. I got used to the joy of creating with him. And seeing this, knowing he can be in this world without me and be just fine? It makes the last year feel ruined.