Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts

by Carol Tavris

Whether it is Jim and Karen, Michael Schiavo and his in-laws, or the Iran hostage crisis, the gulf between perpetrators and victims can be seen in the way each side tells the same story. Perpetrators, whether individuals or nations, write versions of history in which their behavior was justified and provoked by the other side; their behavior was sensible and meaningful; if they made mistakes or went too far, at least everything turned out for the best in the long run; and it’s all in the past now anyway. Victims tend to write accounts of the same history in which they describe the perpetrator’s actions as arbitrary and meaningless, or else intentionally malicious and brutal; in which their own retaliation was impeccably appropriate and morally justified; and in which nothing turned out for the best. In fact, everything turned out for the worst, and we are still irritated about it. Thus, Americans who live in the North and West learn about the Civil War as a matter of ancient history: “Our brave Union troops forced the South to abandon the ugly institution of slavery; we defeated the traitor Jefferson Davis, and the country remained united. (We’ll just draw a veil over our own complicity as perpetrators and abettors of slavery; that was then.)” But most white Southerners tell a different story, one in which the Civil War is alive and kicking; then is now: “Our brave Confederate troops were victims of greedy, crude Northerners who defeated our noble leader Jefferson Davis, d...