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Kindle Notes & Highlights
healthy social relationships (defined as those that were supportive, empathic and low on criticism) had reduced blood pressure, reduced waist circumference, reduced body mass index and reduced systemic inflammation, all characteristics that are associated with living longer.
The groups we choose to pursue membership of are linked to our own core values and goals.
Rapport-based relationships are based on building a genuine interest in the other person, being aware of their thoughts, feelings and core values. The listener is interested in the agenda of the other person, even if they are still holding the reins of the interaction.
It requires great self-control, emotional resilience and patience to seek compliance by agreement.
Honesty: be objective and direct when communicating your intentions or feelings. Empathy: understand someone based on recognition of their core beliefs and values. Autonomy: emphasise other people’s free will and right to choose whether to cooperate. Reflection: identify and repeat back those elements that are significant, meaningful and tactical to help guide a conversation towards the goal.
The skill in rapport-building is to deliver the right degree of honesty with the right amount of sensitivity required to achieve the goal.
Being a good T-Rex means you aren’t there to win friends. So, while it is immensely useful, ideally good T-Rex behaviour should be used sparingly and only when the situation requires. Bad T-Rex behaviour, on the other hand, should be made extinct.
Of all the rapport-based behaviours we have discussed, it may surprise many that the most significant impact on others can be achieved by mastering the art of being a good Mouse – the art of allowing others to be in control, to seemingly take a back seat as events happen around you, and the ability to be humble.
We may prefer the control associated with the Lion, the joy and intimacy of the Monkey – perhaps even the cathartic release of the T-Rex. But, as we will argue, Mouse is the single most important feature of rapport-building.
bad Mouse behaviour (disengaged, uncertain, formulaic) to good (patient, seeking guidance, respectful).
And, if we recognise the simple truth that we relish and thrive on feelings of control and choice, and that we want to feel like we matter, if we gift those feelings to others, rapport-building is the automatic consequence. In our personal relationships, good Mouse generates trust and consideration.
Build your quiet confidence. When you feel hesitant or uncertain about a situation, try not to leak this. It is OK to be unsure, but allowing it to be a consistent style can lead to people losing trust in your decisions or walking over you. Take three deep breaths, swallow that uncertainty and keep moving forward.
perfect recipe for the good Lion: clear, uncomplicated instructions about what they should do, empathic reassurance and a sense of protection.
underlying spirit of wanting to protect, not punish the person we are interacting with. Ultimately we need to recognise, too, that as passionately as we might want to make someone follow our way or jump to our tune, in order to build a sense of long-lasting rapport, in the end, we must respect their autonomy and allow them to have the choice to follow us or not.
Encourage ‘grey’ thinking. Do not shy away from moral complexity, try to avoid describing situations in black-and-white terms – good or bad. Instead, encourage a more thorough understanding of situations and others.
Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? – Abraham Lincoln
Forget your ego, your needs, the desire for control, getting ahead and rushing on with things, and have the mantra of ‘I am lucky today to be able to have this moment.’ Be mindful of small, simple pleasures that connect with your senses;
Do not be tempted to make it a competition of who’s most deserving of empathy. Give it openly and often and the people around you will feel respected and understood and eventually give it back.
