Rapport: The Four Ways to Read People

by Emily Alison

once you form that connection with someone, it becomes harder for them to attack you and, indeed, harder for them to argue with you or even to lie to you.

‘solitude is a good place to visit but a poor place to stay’.

However, when her research team examined a number of large corporations, they discovered that it was not workload that was causing burnout, but social relationship issues between members of the workforce

The feeling of belonging to a larger, meaningful community of other human beings is a key component of our psychological well-being and happiness.

Fear cannot be the foundation of a healthy relationship with anyone

treating someone with deception, judgement, coercion and dismissiveness reduces us, not them.

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead.

You mustn’t waffle around the truth, but it is also unwise to smack people in the face with honesty like a wet trout –

if you do promise something, you must follow it through.

be as direct and honest as possible whenever possible.

honesty requires restraint.

Consider the next time you are shocked, upset, offended, hurt or embarrassed by something someone says, and pause.

Respond, don’t react

distil the underlying message behind what they are saying.

spend a bit of time thinking about what you were thinking and feeling that led you to deal with the situation in the way you did.

empathy requires not that you ask, ‘What would I have done in that situation?’ but ‘Why did they do what they did?’

acknowledge how someone feels before explaining your position.

try to open up a conversation with them to explore what it might be, without assuming you already know.

You don’t quite seem yourself at the moment. If you need to talk about anything, I’m here. I’m not going to judge or shout or get angry whatever it is. I just want to help.

The reason we struggle to change our behaviour simply based on well-meaning advice or clear instruction is that it doesn’t connect with our internal drives

What is the usual outcome when you offer people advice or solutions to their problems? In many cases, even if they find your advice sensible, helpful and reasonable they still won’t take it.

Reactance, first labelled as such by social psychologist Jack Brehm in the sixties, is our response to a perceived threat to our behavioural freedom.19

be respectful and reflective about their own desires and wishes.

individuals are really their own best experts – they know themselves better than we do.

When you use reflection, all you are really doing is inviting the other person to expand and add more by ‘sending’ out the key words, feelings or values that you’ve just heard them say.

Reflection is a way of signalling empathy and acceptance and resisting the instinctive temptation to ‘correct’ other people’s behaviour through advice or instruction.

the problem with these approaches – offering alternative solutions, advising, directing or even expressing sympathy or judgement – is that they do not help the person actually fix the problem.

Changing behaviour for the long term requires both effort and patience on the part of the person changing but also the person supporting them to change.

the route to changing behaviour cannot be simply changing your thoughts and feelings like flipping a switch.

The exploration of core values is essential to understanding others. In doing so it helps us build intimacy and understanding with others,

Simple reflections are just that – a direct and often verbatim restatement of what has just been said.

Learning to use reflection in your interactions is the single most significant thing you can do to immediately improve them.

‘Don’t be distracted by the potted plant’ – use reflection tactically and wisely to learn more

Arguing stops communication in its tracks