Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life

by Emily Nagoski

Suffering is not a virtue and pleasure is not a sin. We’ve been lied to all our lives.

Once you know what’s true, can you let go of what’s false? Can you abandon the goals to which you have tied aspects of your identity? It requires a journey through the pit of despair, grieving for the map that was wrong and all the places you missed as a result.

The way to get through is to stay very still, to notice all the aspects of your identity that were tied to the lies you were told, to notice all the grief you feel in letting go of the self you spent your life trying to be. Notice, too, the anger you feel at having been lied to for so long. Notice all of these with nonjudgment. Allow them to be true.

You have to go through the darkness to get to the light at the end. Sometimes that’s fairly easy, but sometimes it hurts like hell. Sometimes letting go of a particular goal feels like you have to let go of your entire identity. It’s not an easy process; parts of it are downright uncomfortable. But it’s so, so worth it, because at the end of the tunnel is the ultimate reward: you.

joy is what happens when you jump off the edge of what is known, into the adventure of what is true.

When you look up, see yourself. And you are beautiful.