Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life

by Emily Nagoski

minutes?… [It’s] the ways he went about it.” Negative Mood. “If you’re very upset with your intended sexual partner,

The key to managing stress (so that it doesn’t mess with your sex life) is not simply “relaxing” or “calming down.” It’s allowing the stress response cycle to complete. Allow it to discharge fully. Let your body move all the way from “I am at risk” to “I am safe.”

Find Out the Hedgehog’s Name. “Right now I feel… jealous/angry/hurt/etc.” Simple, though there are usually multiple feelings involved at the same time. That’s normal. Sit Peacefully with It. Don’t run away from it, don’t judge it or shame it or get mad at it. Sit still with it, like it is a welcome guest. Listen to Its Needs. The question to ask is: What will help? If you feel fear or anger, how could the perceived threat be managed? If you feel sadness, hurt, or grief, how can you heal the loss? There won’t always be something you can actively do, apart from allowing the feeling to discharge and complete its cycle. And remember that it’s not your partner’s fault or obligation; their help is entirely voluntary and provides an opportunity for you to express gratitude for their support. Communicate the Feeling and the Need. Present the feeling to your partner. “I feel x,” you say, “and I think what would help is y.” For example, “I feel threatened by the time you spend with your coworker, and I could use some kind of plan that will give me reassurance.” Or, “I still have this hurt about that time you did x, and what I need is some time to go through that emotional tunnel so I can get to the light at the end.”

It’s your hedgehog. The calmer you are when you handle it, the less likely you are to get hurt yourself, or to hurt someone else.

Stress reduces sexual interest in 80–90 percent of people and reduces sexual pleasure in everyone—even the 10–20 percent of people for whom it increases interest. The way to deal with stress is to allow your body to complete the stress response cycle. Trauma survivors’ brains sometimes learn to treat “sex-related” stimuli as threats, so that whenever the accelerator is activated, the brakes are hit, too. Practicing mindfulness is an evidence-based strategy for decoupling the brakes and accelerator. In the right context, sex can attach us emotionally to new partners or reinforce emotional bonds in unstable relationships. In other words, sex and love are closely linked in our brains—but only in the right context. Sex that brings you closer to your partner “advances the plot,” as opposed to gratuitous sex, for no reason other than that you can. To have more and better sex, give yourself a compelling reason to have sex, something important to move toward.

“The HAES Manifesto”: (1) accept your size, (2) trust yourself, (3) adopt healthy lifestyle habits including joyful physical activity and nutritious foods, and (4) embrace size diversity.15

Sex-negative culture has trained us to be self-critical and judgmental about our bodies and our sexualities, and it’s interfering with our sexual wellbeing. So let’s get practical. How do we create a bubble of sex positivity for ourselves, where we can explore and celebrate and maximize our own sexual potential? How do we maximize the yum, in a world that tries to convince us we’re yucky? Here are three evidence-based strategies that can genuinely create positive change.

Here’s an exercise to help increase self-compassion:25 Write a description of a situation that you’re beating yourself up about—it can be anything from an aspect of your sexual functioning to your romantic relationship (or lack thereof) to your work to your body or anything else. Be sure to include the self-critical thoughts you’re battering yourself with. Then write the name of a good friend at the top of the page and imagine that that person is describing this problem. Imagine that she’s asking for your help, and write down what you would tell her. Imagine that you’re in your best, most empathic, calmest, most supportive state of mind, and tell her all the things she needs to hear. Now reread what you wrote. It’s for you. The shorthand version of this exercise is: Never say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t want to say to your best friend or your daughter.

We all grew up hearing contradictory messages about sex, and so now many of us experience ambivalence about it. That’s normal. The more aware you are of those contradictory messages, the more choice you have about whether to believe them.

Sometimes people resist letting go of self-criticism—“I suck!”—because it can feel like giving up hope that you could become a better person, but that’s the opposite of how it works. How it really works is that when you stop beating yourself up, you begin to heal, and then you grow like never before.

For real: Your health is not predicted by your weight. You can be healthy—and beautiful—no matter your size. And when you enjoy living in your body today, and treat yourself with ki...

Sexual disgust hits the brakes. And sexual disgust is learned, not innate, and can be unlearned. Begin to notice your “yuck” responses and ask yourself if those responses are making your sex life better or worse. Consider letting go of the yucks that ar...

Your breath. Your respiration rate and your pulse increase with arousal. You begin holding your breath, too, as you get to the highest level of arousal and your thoracic and pelvic diaphragms contract. Muscle tension, especially in your abdomen, buttocks, and thighs, but also in your wrists, calves, and feet. When the tension moves in waves through you, your body bows and arches. For some women, in some contexts, this happens in an obvious way. For other women, or in other contexts, it is subtle. Most important, your words. Only you can tell your partner what you want and how you feel. Not all women feel equally comfortable talking about their desire and arousal, but you can shortcut with “yes” or “more.”

We want love, which is about security and safety and stability, but we also want passion, which is about adventure and risk and novelty. Love is having, desire is wanting, and you can want only what you don’t already have, goes the reasoning.

This means intentionally adding distance that creates an edgy instability or uncertainty, a slight and enjoyable dissatisfaction.

the problem is not lack of distance and mystery but lack of deepening intimacy. From this point of view, intimate conversation, affection, and friendship are central to the erotic life of a long-term relationship.

Those who reported that they had good sex lives, he writes, “consistently mentioned: (1) maintaining a close, connected, and trusting friendship; and (2) making sex a priority in their lives.”12 In other words, sustaining desire isn’t about having a bridge to cross but about building a bridge together.

You’re not broken. You are whole. And there is hope.

You might feel stuck. You might be exhausted. You feel depressed, anxious, worn out by the demands of taking care of everyone else, and in desperate, dire need of renewal. You might be tired of feeling like you need to defend yourself and tired of wishing your body would do something different. You might wish that for a little while, someone else would defend you so you could lower your guard and just be. Just for a while. Those are circumstances; they’re not you. You are okay. You are whole.

Be warm and generous with your love. You won’t run out.

Being present, focused, and embodied. This is the experience of slowing down, letting go of distractions and inhibitions, and paying attention to what’s happening right now, to the exclusion of everything else. Connection, alignment, merger, being in sync. Feeling aligned with your partner was described by many participants as essential to extraordinary sex. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy. Not just during sex, but in the whole relationship, these folks felt deep mutual respect, genuine acceptance and caring, and a deep and penetrating trust with their partners. Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy. Extraordinary lovers are also, necessarily, extraordinary communicators, which means they are extraordinarily empathic, tuned in to their partners’ inner worlds. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency. Extraordinary sex involves emotional nakedness and a shame-free expression of sexual pleasures and desires, which usually requires going through a process of rejecting the sexual scripts and “shoulds” we’re raised with. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing. Yes, extraordinary sex can include feeling like you’re melting into the universe and connecting with the divine in a way that changes you, heals you, and truly makes your life and relationship better. When our daily lives require a lot of boundary setting, our sex lives are transformed when we are willing and able to dissolve our boundaries with a trusted partner. Exploration, interpe...