Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life

by Emily Nagoski

High SI (14–20)

Low SE (0–6) You’re not so sensitive to sex-related

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. Every survivor

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines and The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz.

such as sensorimotor therapy or Somatic Experiencing

The Mindful Way through Depression by Mark Williams, John Teasdale, Zindel Segal, and Jon

Scenario

“You’re saying we just have different thresholds, is that right?”

that’s what they decided to do. Henry turned everything into low-key, no-pressure, zero-expectation foreplay, the way her walking around after a shower was a kind of low-level foreplay for him. Cuddling and touching. Slow kisses. Flowers. Affectionate attention. Like when they were first falling in love—a constant,

For example, let’s say Partner A has more spontaneous desire and Partner B is more responsive. In this scenario, Partner A may feel rejected and undesirable because they almost always do the initiating, and then Partner B may start to feel pushed and judged and so will resist more. Partner A asks and asks and asks and feels rejected and hurt and resentful because Partner B keeps saying no, no, no; and Partner B feels defensive but also guilty and hurt because just being asked makes Partner B feel like there must be something wrong with them. Meanwhile Partner A may even start to wonder, “Am I broken? Do I want sex too much? Am I sexually obsessed or compulsive?” It’s a mess.

Without the dread of “Ugh, what if this perfectly pleasant kiss turns into an expectation of sex that I still don’t want?” both of you can relax and enjoy the physical intimacy you do share.

You’re not broken. You are whole. And there is hope. You might feel stuck. You might be exhausted. You feel depressed, anxious, worn out by the demands of taking care of everyone else, and in desperate, dire need of renewal. You might be tired of feeling like you need to defend yourself and tired of wishing your body would do something different. You might wish that for a little while, someone else would defend you so you could lower your guard and just be. Just for a while.

And a brief message to Partner A—the one who wants sex and keeps asking for it: I know that it can feel like Partner B is withholding and I know that that can feel deeply awful. Your role in untangling your relationship knots is very difficult because it requires you to put down your hurts and be loving to the person who, it sometimes seems, is the source of those hurts. Boy, is that hard. I know, too, that sometimes you might worry that you want sex too often, that you’re making unreasonable demands, or that you’re sick to want sex as much as you do. No, you just have a higher level of sexual interest than your partner does—your parts are organized in a different way. It’s normal. Neither of you is broken, you just need to collaborate to find a context that works for both of you.

Give Partner B space and time away from sex. Let sex drop away from your relationship—for a little while—and be there, fully present, emotionally and physically. Lavish your partner with affection, on the understanding that affection is not a preamble to sex. Be warm and generous with your love. You won’t run out. Put simply, the best way to deal with differential desire is: Be kind to each other.

So she did a remarkable thing. She made that her identity: “I’m a woman who doesn’t want sex.” For while, she made her identity out of saying no. Angrily.

Being present, focused, and embodied. This is the experience of slowing down, letting go of distractions and inhibitions, and paying attention to what’s happening right now, to the exclusion of everything else. Connection, alignment, merger, being in sync. Feeling aligned with your partner was described by many participants as essential to extraordinary sex. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy. Not just during sex, but in the whole relationship, these folks felt deep mutual respect, genuine acceptance and caring, and a deep and penetrating trust with their partners. Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy. Extraordinary lovers are also, necessarily, extraordinary communicators, which means they are extraordinarily empathic, tuned in to their partners’ inner worlds. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency. Extraordinary sex involves emotional nakedness and a shame-free expression of sexual pleasures and desires,

which usually requires going through a process of rejecting the sexual scripts and “shoulds” we’re raised with. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing. Yes, extraordinary sex can include feeling like you’re melting into the universe and connecting with the divine in a way that changes you, heals you, and truly makes your life and relationship better. When our daily lives require a lot of boundary setting, our sex lives are transformed when we are willing and able to dissolve our boundaries with a trusted partner. Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun. This is much like the “ludic factors” from chapter 3—the context of play, curious investigation, discovery, experimentation, creativity, and laughter. Vulnerability and surrender. Extraordinary sex is also characterized by profound trust, with nothing held back from partners, where your authentic self is received by someone else as a cherished gift.

When you do, remember that they are used to working in their own garden, and their garden is different from yours. Their

body, their brakes and accelerator, the seeds that their family and culture planted, the way they were taught to tend the garden, may be similar to yours, or they may be totally different. If you and your partner are different from each other, remember that neither of you is better or worse—even if one of you conforms more to the cultural standard. A potato farmer would be plain old wrong to suggest that your roses should be growing underground. What works for aloe won’t work for tomatoes.