More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
April 9 - April 15, 2024
When we feel safe, it is reflected in our eyes, our voice, and our body language. We are fully present, and there is a lightness and ease in our manner. This sense of safety is passed on to others in a process called co-regulation.
When I wasn’t in the emotional addiction cycle, I didn’t feel like “me.” My body became so accustomed to adrenaline, cortisol, and other powerful hormonal responses that I continued to unconsciously seek them in adulthood to repeat the emotional baseline established in childhood. Without them, I felt bored and agitated.
Core beliefs are the many stories about ourselves, our relationships, our past, our future, and the innumerable other topics we construct based on our lived experiences.
A belief is a practiced thought grounded in lived experience.
subconscious filtering is the work of the reticular activating system (RAS), a bundle of nerves located on the brain stem that helps us sort out our environment, allowing us to concentrate on the things around us that we feel are essential.
RAS actively recruits information that reinforces what we already believe to be true.
The more you learn about the childhood brain and how these core beliefs are formed, the better able you will be, over time, to witness and become aware of them—and ultimately actively choose which ones you want to retain and which to leave behind.
Spiritually, our individual souls have three basic needs: To be seen To be heard To uniquely express our most authentic Selves
Our need for validation may manifest itself as codependency, chronic people pleasing, and martyrdom; or, on the other side of the spectrum, it may manifest itself as anxiety, rage, and hostility.
Once you identify the belief you’d like to change, think about what you’d prefer to think.
our relationship with our primary parent-figures is the foundation of the dynamics of all the relationships we have in adulthood. We call these relationships attachments.
The more I practiced disengagement, the better I got at negating my interior world. I distanced myself from my self—my body, my sensations, my feelings. I got into my “spaceship” to protect myself from the consistently overwhelming experiences.
most of the time, I was detached, avoidant, and unresponsive. It was as if I learned not to love anything too much, because if I truly loved something, it could be taken away from me.
I made myself a shell that no one could get into. I made myself into a person who not only didn’t know her own needs but didn’t have any.
Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child,
this neglected, wounded inner child of the past is the major source of human misery,”
This childlike part is free, filled with wonder and awe, and connected to the inner wisdom of our authentic Self. It can be accessed only when we are safely in the social connection zone of our nervous system, able to feel spontaneous and open.
THE 7 INNER CHILD ARCHETYPES
The caretaker. Typically comes from codependent dynamics.
The overachiever. Feels seen, heard, and valued through success and achievement.
The underachiever. Keeps themselves small, unseen, and beneath their potential due to fear of criticism or shame about failure.
The rescuer/protector. Ferociously attempts to rescue those around them in an attempt to heal from their own vulnerability, especially in childhood.
The life of the party. This is the always happy and cheerful comedic person who never shows pain, weakness, or vulnerability.
The yes-person. Drops everything and neglects all needs in the service of others.
The hero worshipper. Needs to have a person or guru to follow.
The wounded inner child carries all of these compulsions into adulthood. We carry this powerlessness, hoping that others will change our circumstances and make us happy, externalizing quick fixes and daydreaming of alternate realities.
Our real long-term goal is to find that security inside ourselves. Our work is to internalize the feeling of being good enough—a state of okayness that is not reliant on others.
your first step is to accept that you have an inner child that remains present in your adult life.
The next step is to acknowledge that our inner child is wounded. This appears simple though can actually be quite challenging.
You might even say, “My childhood wasn’t that bad. I shouldn’t complain.” I hear that a lot. I have to remind you: you are looking backward in time from the perspective of your adult brain with the awareness and maturity that can put things into proper perspective and alignment. Our child brains did not have these capabilities.
acknowledge that even though your inner child is there, it is only a part of you. It is not your essential, intuitive Self. When you react from that wounded place, begin to witness from a place of curiosity. Your goal is to gather information.
I’d become as quiet as a stone and stew, immersing myself in a state of internal agitation that would linger for hours. I’d become avoidant and distant, prompting my partner to crowd me with questions.
The ego, the great protector of the inner child, is the “I” identity. Anything that follows the word “I” is an extension of the ego:
The ego, attached to its ideas, opinions, and beliefs, runs as an endless stream of thoughts keeping us locked in our identity.
When our ego is activated, everything is personal (as in the egocentric state in childhood, when everything was about us). Everything that happens to you, it assumes, happens because of you.
The more shame we carry, the more the ego wants to avoid future situations where we could experience more shame or any deeper pain.
reactions occur when there is a fusion among your opinions, thoughts, beliefs, and selfhood.
Our ego works overtime to defend its perception of who we are. To do this, it denies or represses emotions that we feel are bad or wrong in order to be good or desirable and receive as much love as possible.
When we consistently repress any part of our authentic Self in order to receive love and the act of repression becomes an ego story, we become who we believe we should be.
The more we deny parts of our shadow self, the more shame we feel and the more disconnected we become from our intuition.
shame and disconnect are projected...
This highlight has been truncated due to consecutive passage length restrictions.
judging others is so addictive; it relieves us from the ego’s internal struggle with shame. When we identify the faults of others, we can ignore our own and even convince ourselves that we are superior.
Our ego’s defensiveness and vulnerability are similar to those of our inner child: Both need to be seen and heard without judgment.
I can intervene and change the narrative. I don’t have to rely on anything external to adjust the way I feel.
Like all aspects of the work, this process is continual. You’re never done. The mere practice is transformative.
The ultimate goal, really the final step in your ego work, is to cultivate empowerment consciousness, or an understanding and acceptance of your ego.
What happened way back when, how did it hurt me, and how do I now cope in my relationships?
Having a parent who denies your reality.
with this wound often continue to deny our own reality to maintain harmony. Such a person doesn’t acknowledge their own needs or may be pathologically easygoing.
They are typically conflict avoidant and follow the mantra “If you’re okay, I’m okay.”
