How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self

by Nicole LePera

We can provide ourselves with the nurturing we may not have received as children. We can learn to give ourselves secure bonds and the ability to create a sense of safety. We can change what we eat, how often we exercise, our state of consciousness, and the thoughts and beliefs we express.

Healing is a daily event. You can’t “go somewhere” to be healed; you must go inward to be healed. This means a daily commitment to doing the work. You are responsible for your healing and will be an active participant in that process. Your level of activity is directly connected to your level of healing. Small and consistent choices are the path to deep transformation.

Change can and often still feels overwhelming. This is because the main function of your subconscious mind is to keep you safe, and it is threatened by change.

There is tremendous freedom in not believing every thought we have and understanding that we are the thinker of our thoughts, not the thoughts themselves. Our minds are powerful tools, and if we do not become consciously aware of the disconnection between our authentic Selves and our thoughts, we give our thoughts too much control in our daily lives.

How a parent-figure treated you as a child is not a reflection of who you are. Or even who they are. You do not need to be a reflection of their unprocessed trauma.

When we have poor vagal tone, we have higher sensitivity to perceived threats in our environment, which overactivates the body’s stress response and leads to reduced emotional and attentional regulation overall.

When trauma is not properly addressed it is left to drive our narratives and shape our autonomic responses. Our mind and body become reliant on the strong physical response that comes from the release of neurotransmitters associated with that experience and solidify it in the neural pathways of our brain. In other words, the brain learns to crave the feelings associated with the trauma response. This is the loop of emotional addiction.

Intellectually, they were seeking a completely different kind of partner. They wanted someone who would commit and who would be clear about their feelings. Yet they kept returning to the same relationship dynamics because it felt exciting.

Our emotional state actually does make our stomach feel sick. In fact, 90 percent of the neurotransmitter serotonin, commonly referred to as “the happy hormone” (though it is also involved in sleep, memory, and learning), is made in our gut.

Our practiced thoughts become our truth.

When a belief is repeatedly validated, it can become what is called a core belief.

Once a core belief is formed, you engage in what’s called a confirmation of bias; information that does not conform to your beliefs is discarded or ignored in favor of information that does.

Some of you, when helping your mom take care of your siblings, might have been told “You’re so helpful. You’re going to be such a great mother yourself someday.” Heard consistently enough, your core belief may then become “I need to care for others in order to be loved.”

Now that you understand that beliefs are just practiced thoughts, it shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise to learn that in order to create a new belief, you will have to begin to practice a new thought.

Once you identify the belief you’d like to change, think about what you’d prefer to think. This could be as simple as noting the opposite of your currently held belief. For example, if you find an “I’m not good enough” theme in your thoughts, as many of us do, you will want to believe that “I’m enough.”

Despite its pronounced impact on our lives, most of us have no awareness of the ego and how it drives our behavior.

The ego is our sense of self, our personal identity, our self-worth. The ego is a master storyteller (When my partner leaves dirty dishes in the sink, it means I’m not considered), creating and maintaining narratives about who we believe we are. The ego itself is not good or bad; it just is.

Ego beliefs don’t come out of nowhere; they are grounded in lived experiences.

Throughout our lives we create a story about who we are based on our experiences. This narrative includes aspects of our identity, opinions, and beliefs. The ego works to keep us living within familiar narratives because, though often painful, they are predictable. The predictable, as we now know, feels safer than the uncertainty of the unknown.

The ego, attached to its ideas, opinions, and beliefs, runs as an endless stream of thoughts keeping us locked in our identity. The ego’s core objective is to protect our identity at all times and at whatever cost. This rigidity is part of the ego’s defensive stance. The ego needs to be an inflexible protector in order to make sure that the softer, more defenseless part of us (namely our inner child) remains safe. That’s why the ego is so defensive and fear based. It views everything within the context of a rigid dichotomy: good versus bad or right versus wrong. It is staunchly attached to its opinions and believes that we are our opinions. The ego interprets any disagreement or criticism as a direct threat to our very existence. That’s because when we are in an egoic s...

One can be only as connected to others as they are to themselves.

When our parent-figures directly or indirectly express preferences about our beliefs, wants, and needs, it creates a lack of space for our authentic Self-expression. This can manifest itself in a variety of ways and often results in reliance on external guidance—from partners, friends, even mentor types—for input into or feedback on all of life’s big and small decisions. These are the people who always need to talk things out—sometimes multiple times with multiple people—in order to figure out how they “feel.” Because they have always been told what they feel, think, or should be, they have no connection to an intuitive guidance. Often, this leads to their constantly seeking a guru or guide or constantly “drinking the Kool-Aid” of new ideas or groups.

Parenting is difficult and incredibly emotionally activating. Being present and attuned to oneself enough to be present and attuned to another in order to identify and meet their needs is a tall order. The reality is this: You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to fall short. You’re going to mess up in some way or another. It’s not only okay, it’s actually beneficial in the long term.

People often seek out others with similar levels of emotional immaturity,