How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self

by Nicole LePera

In my twenties, I even became a vegetarian after befriending a cow at an animal sanctuary, making it impossible for me to imagine eating any animal ever again. Sure, the bulk of my diet revolved around hyperprocessed fake meat and vegan junk food (vegan Philly cheesesteaks were a particular favorite), but at least I cared about what I put into my body.

Today I call that incident my dark night of the soul, my rock bottom. Hitting rock bottom is like a death, and for some of us, it can literally bring us close to death. Death, of course, enables rebirth, and I emerged determined to figure out what was wrong. That painful moment brought the light in, revealing so much of myself that I buried. Suddenly, clarity hit: I need to find change.

I call my Energizer Bunny of self-improvement, to help keep me on the path to honestly dealing with how I was mistreating my vessel. She kicked me out of bed in the morning, shoved dumbbells into my hands, and forced us to consciously move our bodies several times a day.

As my body began to heal, I began to question so many other truths that I had once felt were self-evident. I learned new ways of thinking about mental wellness. I realized that a disconnect among mind, body, and soul can manifest as sickness and dysregulation. I discovered that our genes are not destiny and that in order to change, we have to become consciously aware of our thought patterns and habits, which have been shaped by the people we care for, and have been cared for by, the most. I discovered a new, wider definition of trauma, one that takes into account the profound spiritual effects that stress and adverse experiences in childhood have on the body’s nervous system.

Learning to heal yourself—SelfHealing—is an act of self-empowerment. SelfHealing is not only possible, it is our reality as human beings, because no one outside of us can truly know what is best for each of us in our uniqueness.

Healing rarely comes without difficulty. It’s painful at times and terrifying, too. It means letting go of narratives that hold you back and harm you. It means letting a part of yourself die so that another part of you can be reborn. Not everyone wants to get better. And that’s okay. Some people have an identity tied to sickness. Others fear true wellness because it is the unknown and the unknown is unpredictable. There is comfort in knowing exactly what your life will look like, even if that reality is making you sick. Our minds are familiarity-seeking machines. The familiar feels safe; that is, until we teach ourselves that discomfort is temporary and a necessary part of transformation.

This is deep but so true that some people find more comfort in staying unwell because it's familiar.

You might have stopped at this paragraph and thought: You don’t “practice” thoughts. But we do. We practice thoughts from the moment our eyes open in the morning until we close them at night. You’ve practiced thoughts so consistently and for so long that the act of practicing is beyond your awareness. You practice thoughts in your dream states and in your subconscious.

When we’re running on autopilot, a primitive, or subconscious, part of our mind drives our reactions. Astonishingly, our subconscious stores every single experience we ever have. This however isn’t just a neutral storehouse for facts and figures; it’s emotional, reactive, and irrational.

The overwhelming pull of the subconscious mind makes it hard for us to change. We are not evolutionarily wired for change. When we do try to push ourselves out of our autopilot, we face resistance from our mind and body. This response has a name: the homeostatic impulse.

The goal of the homeostatic impulse is to create balance in the mind and body. When there’s dysregulation, the imbalances can be problematic and even self-betraying. The subconscious mind loves existing in a comfort zone. The safest place, it turns out, is one you’ve been before because you can predict the familiar outcome.

Today in our world of relative comfort (speaking from a developed-world perspective), our minds and bodies have not evolved past that reactive state in which everything unfamiliar or slightly uncomfortable is viewed as a threat. There is also the reality that Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) living in even the developed world face daily threats from our oppressive systems.

Trauma occurred when we consistently betrayed ourselves for love, were consistently treated in a way that made us feel unworthy or unacceptable resulting in a severed connection to our authentic Self. Trauma creates the fundamental belief that we must betray who we are in order to survive.

A parent-figure’s role is to be a guide. A loving parental relationship provides a secure base for a child to return to as they venture out into life, with all the ups and downs associated with this great transition. A guide is largely nonjudgmental, allowing the child to exist as they are. A guide is more likely to observe and act from a state of awareness and wisdom. This allows the child to experience the natural consequences of their actions without intervention and laying the foundation for them to build self-trust.

When a parent-figure denies a child’s reality, they are unconsciously teaching the child to reject their intuition, their “gut feeling.” The more we learn to distrust ourselves, the deeper this intuitive voice withdraws, becoming harder and harder to hear. This results in lost intuition and internal conflict. We learn that our judgment cannot be trusted and look to others to shape our reality.

Not being seen or heard in childhood is an experience of feeling emotionally disconnected from a parent-figure. Sometimes this involves severe neglect, though often it comes in the form of more subtle experiences.

People pleasing. Once you meet the demand, the stress is (temporarily) gone. Anger or rage. If you can discharge the emotion onto someone else, you’ve released it. Dissociation. You “leave your body” during a stressful event so that you don’t “experience” the trauma in the first place.

FSJ: RESTORING BALANCE Here is an example of the Future Self Journaling prompts I used each day to begin to create a new experience of nervous system balance in my daily life. To help you with this process, you may want to use the following example (or create a similar one of your own): Today I am practicing restoring balance to my nervous system. I am grateful for an opportunity to create calm in my life. Today, I am bringing one moment of much-needed calm to my body. Change in this area allows me to feel more peace. Today, I am practicing when I find safety in the present moment/do one visualization meditation/am conscious about my information consumption/spend one minute witnessing nature.

Try out this journal prompt

The first step in using boundaries is to define them—to examine your life and notice where boundaries are lacking. If you don’t have boundaries, it can be hard to decide where to set them.

Boundaries keep us connected to our intuitive voice. (That tightness in your chest is a big clue!) It is important to tune in to how you feel to use boundaries. Remember we are not in the thinking mind when we’re witnessing how we feel; instead,

we are noticing how something or someone registers in our body.

To help you with this process, you may want to use the following example (or create a similar one of your own): Today I am practicing being conscious of my body’s changing emotional state. I am grateful for an opportunity to work on becoming more emotionally mature. Today, I am able to connect with my body to help me understand my emotions. Change in this area allows me to feel more connected to my emotional world.

Soothing activities: Taking a bath. Soaking in warm water can help calm the body. (If you have Epsom salts available, throw some in if you’d like some added muscle relaxation.) Doing self-massage. This can be as simple as rubbing or massaging your feet or lower legs. There are YouTube videos on different pressure points that can help relieve stress. Reading. Catch up with that book or article you’ve been meaning to read. Listening to, playing, or writing music. It’s your choice! Snuggling. This can be with anyone or anything, including your pet(s), your kids, your friends, your partner, or a comfy bed pillow. Moving (if possible). Any kind will work! Expressing your emotions. Try screaming into a pillow, in the shower, or outside in a large empty space (so as not to activate a neighbor’s nervous system!). Writing. Write a letter, a journal entry, a poem about what you’re feeling. (Try not to use this time to write about the activating event, or you

Distracting yourself. Redirect your attention to anything except your emotions. Yes, you read that correctly—you can choose how much attention you give your emotions as long as you aren’t always distracting yourself from them!