How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self

by Nicole LePera

You are the thinker of your thoughts, not the thoughts themselves.

Our perception of the trauma is just as valid as the trauma itself. This is especially true in childhood, when we are most helpless and dependent.

When we do the work of resolving trauma, we can become more resilient. In fact, these experiences can become catalysts for profound transformation.

the inability to form true intimacy with others is usually not about some defect in personality but a product of our vagal tone, a measure of our nervous system’s response to our environment.

If you lived in a chaotic house where overreaction, rage spirals, disengagement, or fear were the norm, your internal resources were likely tied up in the management of stress (survival, really) and could not freely return to the safe social engagement mode.

It begins with the act of witnessing: How is my body reacting? What does my body need?

An example of a top-down practice is meditation, which in the act of training your attention helps regulate your autonomic nervous system responses.

Most exercises that engage the polyvagal nerve that we discuss here employ bottom-up processes, such as breathwork, cold therapy, and the physical aspects of yoga.

When we sleep, our body repairs itself. This is when our gut gets a chance to take a break from digestion, our brain “washes itself” and clears away debris, and our cells regenerate. Sleep is a time of ultimate healing.

Any activity—running, swimming, hiking—where mind and body are linked in a safe place helps us “widen the window,”

Many of our core beliefs, unfortunately, are shaped by traumas.

Once we’ve internalized the belief that we aren’t pretty, thin, or smart enough, our RAS will continue to look to find a source of information in our society to confirm this.

Our real long-term goal is to find that security inside ourselves. Our work is to internalize the feeling of being good enough—a state of okayness that is not reliant on others.

the work is never done.

“Ouch. That stung. I think I took that way more personally than you intended it.”

Self-witnessing is not enough on its own; you also need to be honest about what you are observing.

We cannot ego work our way out of systemically oppressed environments. We can, however, empower ourselves with the tools to survive despite and amid our surroundings. My hope is that while we continue to work toward long overdue structural systemic change, we can all empower ourselves with choice, however small, whenever possible.

The advice “Just leave” or “You should know better” is not helpful

How do I speak to myself about my body? How do I speak to my friends about my body? How often do I compare myself to other people physically? How do I speak about other people’s physical appearance?

I truly hope that if anything sticks with you while reading this book, it’s this chapter. Boundaries protect you. They keep you physically balanced. They help you connect

When boundaries are in place, we feel safer to express our authentic wants and needs, we are better able to regulate our autonomic nervous system response (living more fully in that social engagement zone because we have established limits that cultivate safety), and we rid ourselves of the resentment that comes along with denying our essential needs.

we are not in the thinking mind when we’re witnessing how we feel; instead, we are noticing how something or someone registers in our body.

“I wish I could; now isn’t a good time.” “I’m not comfortable with that.” “This isn’t doable for me.”

“Wow, thanks for the offer/invite, though that isn’t something I can do right now.” “I will have to get back to you on that.”

They can choose to continue engaging in that behavior and be faced with a boundary (often the removal of your presence or support), or they can choose to respect your boundary and continue their relationship with you in a new way.

“I am making some changes so that [ ], and I hope you can understand that this is important to me. I imagine [ ]. When you [ ], I often feel [ ], and I understand this is something you may not be aware of. In the future, [ ]. If [ ] happens again, I will [ ].”

Most parent-figures never learned how to meet their own needs, let alone another person’s, passing on their own unresolved traumas and conditioned coping strategies.

We will not fall apart if we take a day to rest.

not everyone may be on the same path.

witness the stories that play out in our mind: note that they’re happening, be present, and try not to judge.

If you feel overwhelmed, take yourself out of a situation before you feel emotional activation. If you’re stressed and tired, stay home instead of testing the limits of your emotional resources to cope. Give yourself permission to say “no” when it serves you. Emotional maturity is understanding your own emotional boundaries and communicating them to others without fear or shame.

He eventually began to dive more deeply into meditative practice, inching up his daily meditation rituals from five minutes to ten to eventually twenty minutes a day.

When difficult feelings arose, he worked on sitting through the pain and irritation instead of externalizing it onto others.

three out of every five Americans feel alone.

Loneliness increases the rates of autoimmune diseases and chronic illnesses in many of the same ways that trauma does.