Not My Problem

by Ciara Smyth

Probably because she had unnatural feelings (a gay) or disturbing thoughts (an opinion) or had been possessed by Satan (was horny?).

HAH

I was almost disappointed for a second that it turned out to be a regular, real-life teenage girl having a shit fit. Okay, that’s potentially misleading on account of how it’s a bathroom, but I mean like a tantrum.

HAH

She probably thought coffee was a gateway drug to cocaine.

HAH

“Please, God, don’t be out of battery, you piece of shit, please, God.” One of the lesser-known prayers. You heard it around, sure, but only if you stuck it out to the end of the rosary.

GIGGLING

“Aideen cannot take part in PE today because she is suffering from hysteria.” Ms. Devlin sighed. “Aideen, tell me, what is hysteria?” “Um, you know, when bitches be crazy?” I said. “This is your most offensive illness yet.”

HAH

I badly needed a nap. Or a shower. Or a lobotomy.

Me2