Radical Alignment: How to Have Game-Changing Conversations That Will Transform Your Business and Your Life

by Alexandra Jamieson

In a series of studies, psychologist John Gottman developed a model that predicts a couple’s likelihood of divorce with near 90 percent accuracy. Gottman’s work hinges on the communication patterns in relationships, and specifically on his Four Horsemen of the Relationship Apocalypse theory: 1. Criticism: This is locating a problem within our partners, not just offering a critique of how their behavior is affecting us. Phrases such as “You never . . .,” “You always . . .,” and “You are . . .” indicate criticism of them as people instead of critique of their behavior. 2. Contempt: This goes beyond criticism and assumes our moral superiority to our partners. We can communicate it directly (“You think your day was hard? Well, mine was so terrible you couldn’t even handle it!”) or indirectly through body language (e.g., rolling our eyes). 3. Defensiveness: We often respond this way to criticism; instead of being curious or taking responsibility for our mistakes, we go on the attack. “I was too busy to do it. Why didn’t you just handle it?” 4. Stonewalling: This isn’t just asking for a timeout when we feel overwhelmed by a topic, but actively refusing to discuss it. We often respond this way to contempt.