My First Little Book of Intersectional Activism

by Titania McGrath

This is a book for aspiring activists between the ages of six months and six years. If you’re an adult, kindly fuck off and read something else.

🤣

To the little girls who are reading this, it is important that you learn that you will always be oppressed, no matter how much you try to distract yourselves with weekend breaks in the Loire Valley or the occasional spree at Harrods. As for the boys, you really should transition to female as soon as possible so that you might begin to understand the extent of our persecution.

you should tell your parents to buy a copy of my first book, Woke: A Guide to Social Justice, which has a particularly strong chapter on how to defeat capitalism. It’s available on Amazon.

In a series of groundbreaking and poignant chapters, I shall take you on a journey with the most inspiring individuals in history, such as Emmeline Pankhurst, Hillary Clinton and Joseph Stalin. Even if you haven’t yet learned how to read, you should carry it with you wherever you go to prove that you’re not a bigot.

Already, the virus has been renamed ‘COVID-19’ in a flagrant attempt at dehumanisation. Do you know who else was given numbers instead of names? That’s right. Those two gay robots in Star Wars.

If the apocalypse does come, we need to ensure that it doesn’t disproportionately affect minority groups.

I have a dream that little children will one day live in a nation where they will be judged not by the content of their character, but by the colour of their skin, in order to fulfil diversity quotas and deconstruct the inherent toxicity of whiteness.

Even her pet cat was a proud vegan. It did keep chasing birds in the garden, but it probably just assumed they were some kind of flying vegetable.

As women, it is our duty to stand up for our right to an abortion by ensuring that none of us gets pregnant.

To be honest, I didn’t even know New Zealand had its own parliament. I thought it was just a timeshare for rich Australians.

Get ready.

As Robin explained in an article for the Guardian: ‘White people assume niceness is the answer to racial inequality. It’s not.’ In order to combat racism, therefore, we all need to stop being nice to people of colour.

I would take this a step further. Since it is impossible for black people to be racist, any white person who is not being racist is committing behavioural blackface. Therefore, all non-racist white people are racist.

Ultimately, Robin’s work reminds us that humanity will only thrive if it is divided strictly into racial groups and treated differently. We will never defeat the plague of racism until people of colour have their own spaces away from whites. I suggest we start with schools, restaurants and drinking fountains.

Yeah. It worked really well in the past.

Once upon a time there was a president called Abraham. Very few people know that Abraham was trans, but I have decided that she was.

There was only ever one black president, Barack Obama, but his mother was white which made him 50 per cent problematic.

As Harry repeatedly insisted, he was a freethinker who would never allow those around him to control his opinions. This was one of the very first things that Meghan taught him to say.

If you have joined the debating club at your school, you are essentially a terrorist.

‘Bigot’ is another useful word. It is defined as ‘a person who is intolerant towards those holding different opinions’, so I tend to use it against anyone who has the audacity to disagree with me.

The very concept of ‘free speech’ is a racist dog whistle.

Lol!

Oh, and if you’re going to be a social justice activist on Twitter, always make sure that you announce your pronouns in your bio. That way, when you’re calling your opponents evil lowlife scumbags, trying to get them fired, or gloating if they die, everyone will know that you’re actually incredibly compassionate.

Classical music is inherently racist.’ There isn’t a symphony in the world that wouldn’t be improved by the addition of a bongo backbeat.

Males could never lead a nation to prosperity given that their brains are marinated in testosterone.

A Native American activist called Nathan Phillips was surrounded by the jeering schoolboys, most of whom were wearing ‘Make America Great Again’ baseball caps. A clip of one boy, Nick Sandmann, was uploaded to the internet, and soon went viral. He was accused of ‘smirking’, an act of wanton violence.

Even if this didn’t happen, it only didn’t happen in a purely non-metaphorical sense.

‘Wearing a MAGA hat is by definition a racist provocation and anyone who does it should be considered to be harassing any minorities in their general vicinity.’

Marriage is basically rape organised by a priest. With a disco.

But because Jo came from such humble origins, it meant that she would be able to understand the very people she would be lying to, which is an excellent skill for a politician.

I can’t wait to see it.

She hadnt seen it yet.

Many historians have been unkind to Tomás on the grounds that he was opposed to free speech. But this was precisely what made him so ahead of his time. As any woke activist will tell you, free speech is a tool used by fascists to spread hate. A kind of hate spatula, if you will.

People always go on and on about the importance of free speech, but when I say that it should be illegal to express offensive ideas I’m told to shut up. This is a clear case of double standards.

As Tomás so memorably put it: ‘hate speech isn’t possible without free speech, so if you’re defending free speech that’s basically hate speech’.

But men who are attracted to women clearly have feminine tastes and are therefore probably gay.

Once upon a time there was a woman called Linda who co-organised the first ever ‘Women’s March’ after the election of Donald Trump. This was a fantastic event where we all joined together to protest against the ongoing degradation of women by dressing up as giant vaginas.

Personally, I was thrilled to see hijabs in the recent swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. If women are to be sexually objectified, the least we can do is ensure they dress with modesty.

Airline security staff are also notoriously Islamophobic; if you don’t believe me, try shouting ‘Allāhu Akbar’ at an airport and see what happens.

After Hillary lost, many of us on the left took time to reflect on why we had failed to win over the public. After much soul-searching, we reached the obvious conclusion: we didn’t call them racist often enough.

Once upon a time there were two white male fascists called Adolf Hitler and Winston Churchill whose toxic masculinity was so pronounced that they decided to start a war.

Joseph was passionate about social justice. He participated in the Russian revolution in 1905 in order to oppose the patriarchy. And he popularised the writings of Karl Marx, one of history’s most famous and heavily bearded intersectional feminists.

It isn’t possible for white people to be oppressed, because they occupy positions of power and benefit from the structural racism that they perpetuate by virtue of their whiteness. And yes, that also goes for Russian peasants who refuse to listen to their betters.

Men serve absolutely no function in today’s society. Given the fact that some women have wombs, and some trans women have testicles, surely we’ve reached the point where we no longer require men in order to exist as a species?

Reject conventional beauty standards as a form of tyranny. People who only have sex with those who they find attractive really need to ask themselves why they’re such superficial bigots.

science is a belief system rooted in patriarchal oppression. I have yet to see any serious evidence for the existence of gravity.

Decolonise your language. Any words that have the potential to cause offence are a form of hate speech. For instance, instead of ‘Christian’ you should say ‘Easter worshipper’.

Universities exist to educate, not to challenge. They should deplatform anyone who believes in the principle of free speech. The last thing we need is a future generation who can think for themselves.

Pandemic Blues My self is isolated In the tempestuous scritching Of finespun souls that drink the dying air And dance wrongways to a wilting cadence Like fractured whelps tonguing the doorknob of Hell. I stockpile courage And slap my grouchy badger As the sciencemongers Whistle their cloddish dirges Through unkissed lips. Hope is a pathogen Gutterformed from my batmarket mind, The pandemonium pricktease Puffed up and pseudo-fudged By the fastidious bowels of fate. So suck on my social distance And rinse my hairy pirouette As recalcitrant nucleocapsids Doppelgangbang their way Into craven cross-legged dreams of beef.

What?

We are the turkeys of time And Destiny our stuffing. Urchins flee from Santa’s tumescent lap As the corpulent Laplander Slithers into unsuspecting chimneys And discharges the contents of his toxic sack.

Ha! Ha! Ha!