Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

New achievement! Trailblazing Crazy Cat Lady. You are the first crawler to have entered to the World Dungeon accompanied by a cat. You must really love that thing. Too bad you’re both probably going to die a horrible death at any moment.

“Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”

“You’re not going to break me,” I said. “You might hurt me, or kill me, but you’re not going to break me.”

Reward: Bitches don’t get rewards.

I know you don’t have to type in all caps. I’ve seen you do it before. It makes you sound like you are yelling. Donut: I AM YELLING CARL.

we can just kill them and take it all for ourselves.” Donut put the pamphlet away. “Yeah, that does seem easier. We won’t have to pay our upline or make the initial seed investment when we do it that way.”

Sound business advice from the talking cat

Created by an unstable, pantsless man who talks to a cat,

Welcome to the second floor, bitches.

For fuck’s sake, Donut. Don’t worry. I’m sure something awful is going to happen any second.

“If we get to the point where we don’t help each other anymore, that’s when we stop being human.”

Mana Toast. This is toast. It refills your mana. That’s it. Nothing more. Fuck you.

This Maestro guy was the worst kind of a bully. A bully with an audience.

Anyone who mistook fear for respect was a fool.

New achievement! PETA Enthusiast! You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you. Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.