Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

Cats are assholes. I get it. But do you know why people like cats, despite their asshole-ness? It’s because they don’t fucking talk. If they did, and they were all like you, they’d all be extinct because we’d have killed you all by now.”

She emerged thirty seconds later, trailing litter all over the place.

these large cockroach things called Scatterers. The bugs were the size of and shape of a loaf of bread.

killed every single one of them with my bare feet. I punted the rats and jumped on top of the cockroaches. The bug mobs crunched like potato chips under my feet.

hit level three and gained a skill called Foot Soldier, and a second one called Smush. The Foot Soldier skill increased the damage I dealt by kicking.

The Smush skill was… something else. The voice reading the skill description was deeper, more throaty than usual. I could actually hear him breathing like he was a dude beating himself off while he said it. Smush: Skill Level 3 Killing with your feet. Your bare, beautiful feet. Taking your bare foot, placing it on top of a living, conscious life, and then pressing lovingly down until that life ceases to be. Is there a more noble way to kill?

The amount of pressure you can bring to bear upon an enemy with your unshod foot is increased by 10% ...

Donut insisted upon sleeping in the room with me. As usual, she slept on my neck.

“If I buy a personal space, will it transfer from level to level?” “Yes, it will,” he said. “And from safe space to safe space.

Donut leaped off my shoulder with a hiss as I jumped in the air, coming down hard on its back. The cockroach exploded like a balloon filled with coconut pudding.

“Wait, what?” I said. “Are you talking about my gym bag? Some guy was coming over to the apartment when I was at the gym?”

“No se que esta pasando. Me duele el estómago. No se donde estoy. Por favor, tengo miedo.”

“Ayúdame!” the monster woman cried again. She made a gagging noise, and when she opened her mouth, a pair of level two Scatterers came out and charged at us, hissing.

The woman was scared, disoriented, and she obviously didn’t want to be here. But she was also vomiting killer cockroaches at us. Our only real choice was to take her out.

“Lo siento si fui una mala persona,” she said. She closed her eyes as tears streamed down the non-burned side of her face. The woman only had one, misshapen tooth in her mouth. “No quería que mi hija se enfermara. No quiero estar en el infierno. Por favor. Por favor envíame a Jesús.”

This is so so sad!

So, tell me. Is it a daddy thing?” The goblin didn’t say anything for several moments, but then she put her face into her hands, and she burst into tears. “Yes,” the goblin cried. “It’s true.” Donut walked forward and sat in her lap.

“Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”