Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

I never considered myself a big fan of cats. But, if we’re being truthful here, I liked Donut. That cat did not give two shits about anybody or anything, and I could respect that.

New achievement! You Monster! You have killed an infant! An infant! Okay, okay. Unless you’re a complete psychopath, we know you probably didn’t wake up this morning and tell yourself, “Today is the day I’m going to slaughter a child.” Well let us put your mind at ease. All children mobs who die within this dungeon don’t actually perish. They’re transferred to a holding area where they’re safe and treated nicely and gently until they can be reunited with their loving parents at the end of the season. Feel better? Good. Reward: These past twenty seconds, when your conscience started to ease? That was your reward. It was also a lie. That baby is dead, and it’s dead because of you. You’re totally going to hell. You’ve also received a Bronze Asshole’s Box.

“What the hell is a ‘Pork Boy Snick?’” She chuckled nervously. “Yeah, I need to tell you about this. So, you have… had… a similar phenomenon on earth. Are you familiar with the concept of fan fiction?”

Male Mongoliensis – Level 1 This is a pet-class mob. This pet has not yet bonded with a crawler. The stubborn and hot-headed Mongoliensis is not the type of pet to ever be “tamed.” The best one can hope for is mutual respect. And even then they still might try to eat you if the fancy strikes them. While especially powerful, fast, and vicious when they are fully grown at level 15, getting them to level 15 is about as likely as a cheerleader from West Virginia reaching her 18th birthday as a virgin.

You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you. Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.