Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

“None of this shit makes sense,” I said. “But yes, I understand what you’re saying. I’m on an intergalactic game show, and I have to be an obnoxious showoff in order to get eyes on me. And once I do have eyes on me, I might get a loot box with toilet paper in it. Does that about sum it up?”

“Being eaten by a bugbear makes me uncomfortable, Carl. So if your boyfriend ogling your tootises keeps these easy-peasy bugs coming at us instead of more of those lava-spitting llamas, then you better buck up, get over your human male privilege, and take one for your princess.”

“Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”

I looked at the cat sitting next to me, and I wondered, not for the first time, if this was all a dream. An hour and a half earlier I’d been certain I was about to die, and now I was aboard some sort of yacht from another planet, ready to be interviewed on an intergalactic talk show.

“And having a judge stick her finger up your ass is not the same thing as being interviewed for a television show.” “I have never had anybody ever stick anything up there, thank you very much. Really, Carl. Don’t be so crude. This is why I’m to do the talking.”

I barely had time to parse that Donut was also drunk as a screaming tentacle smashed against the table,

Mana Toast. This is toast. It refills your mana. That’s it. Nothing more. Fuck you.

New achievement! PETA Enthusiast! You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you. Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.

Thank you for reading. Seriously. Please, please leave a review. We live and die by our reviews, and it’s super important. So if you read this and enjoyed it, please review it. It’s against Amazon’s rules to offer a prize to those who review books, but I will risk Amazon’s wrath and offer my services to be the father of your babies if you post a review. See you in ’21.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR (This is where we switch to third person and pretend like Matt isn’t writing this himself.)