Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

New achievement! Trailblazing Crazy Cat Lady. You are the first crawler to have entered to the World Dungeon accompanied by a cat. You must really love that thing. Too bad you’re both probably going to die a horrible death at any moment. Or maybe not. Look at the prize you just received! Reward: You’ve received a Legendary Pet Box!

New achievement! Why aren’t you wearing pants? You entered the dungeon wearing no pants. Dude. Seriously? Reward: You’ve received a Gold Apparel Box!

Hooligans are the smartest, fastest, and ugliest of the Rat-Kin race. While not as roided-out as a Rat Brute, or as Imma fireball yo ass as a Rat Shaman, Rat Hooligans offer the best of both worlds. They are physically strong, and they have a decent grasp of magic.

New Achievement! Bitchmeat! You’ve been attacked by a fellow crawler in a safe zone, and the system has been forced to save your ass. That usually suggests you’re either really annoying, or you snore. If this were a prison, you would now be my bitch. Wait… Reward: Bitches don’t get rewards.

“What the hell?” I cried, backing against the wall. “This isn’t a boss chamber!” A new achievement appeared, and it announced itself before I could wave it into the folder. New Achievement! Wait, Bosses Can Leave Their Rooms? Welcome to the second floor, bitches. Reward: This shit plays great on the recap episode. If you scream loud enough, maybe you’ll make the show.

I never got to know Yolanda Martinez as much as I would’ve liked to. But I didn’t have to know her very well to know who she was. I knew she was a quiet, sweet woman who’d been a nurse her entire life. She’d worked sixty hours a week for years to pay for her son to go to college. Her husband had owned a landscaping company. At only 4’11, the woman had a presence much bigger than her stature suggested. There was a warmth about her, something I’d never felt as a kid. Just being in her presence imparted a feeling of longing in me, something difficult to describe. Like I wished I could relive my childhood, but this time, I’d have her as my mother, and she would have never, ever left me.

She lived her entire life as a hero. She died as one, too.

New achievement! Like a Moth to the Flame. You attacked and caused damage to a mob that is more than 75 levels above your own. The fact that you’re reading this suggests you’re the luckiest fucker in the dungeon. Just remember, luck goes both ways, like your mom. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Lucky Bastard Box!

New achievement! PETA Enthusiast! You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you. Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.