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And let me tell you something about cat people. More specifically, cat show people. Actually, never mind. Fuck those guys.
Congratulations! You’ve earned your first achievement: Crazy Cat Lady. You have entered the World Dungeon accompanied by a cat. Ahh, isn’t that sweet? Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Pet Box!
New achievement! Early Adopter. You are one of the first 5,000 Crawlers to enter a new World Dungeon. Sucker. Reward: You’ve received a Silver Adventurer Box!
Engineers. The incels of the goblin world. They have a hard time finding a date, which makes them extra angry. If there are any females in your party, they will attack them first.
New achievement! You’ve discovered and read an official dungeon sign. Wow. You can read. Whoopie.
Increases your health by at least 50%. Doesn’t cure poison or other health-seeping conditions such as succubus-inflicted gonorrhea. So remember to wrap it up, bucko.
New achievement! Boom! You’ve caused a wall-shaking explosion within the dungeon! The last time the walls shook like this was when your mom came over for a visit.
Enchanted Crown of the Sepsis Whore. Who’s a dirty girl? You’re a dirty girl! This is a Fleeting item! This is a Unique* item! Imbues wearer with +5 Intelligence, grants the user +5 to the Good First Impression skill. All attacks, including magical attacks,
now have a 15% chance to inflict the Sepsis debuff. Warning! (Seriously though. I’m going to say this again. WARNING! Read this shit before you put it on.) Placing this crown upon your head permanently places you within the royal line of succession for the Blood Sultanate on the ninth floor of the world dungeon. Removing this item will not remove this status. Royal members of the Blood Sultanate will be required to slay the Sultan and all other members of the royal family before descending to the tenth floor. You’ll only want to wear this if you’re a blood-thirsty, raging psychopath.
Bad Llama. Level 3. It’s a llama, but it’s bad. If he were human, he’d be covered in prison tattoos and would be hanging out in front of the Circle K hitting on 14-year-old girls. They might be willing to sell you something if you have good stuff to trade. You won’t want to get hit by their spit.
The goblin looked at me as if I’d just asked her to eat a Twinkie out of my ass.
Goblin Copper Chopper with attached sidecar. Human-sized. Contraption. Take a junkyard bicycle, add an unreliable steam engine, remove all the bolts holding it together, replace them with chewing gum, and you get the idea. The preferred assault transport of Goblin Bomb Bards, what this contraption lacks in reliability and safety it makes up for in absolutely nothing.
He was like a goddamned psychotic wolverine hopped up on bath salts.
New Achievement! You read a book! You managed to make it all the way through the first Dungeon Crawler Carl book without throwing it against the wall! Reward: You get to read the next book! And great news, folks. The next book has clowns and dead hookers in it!
