Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk.

I never considered myself a big fan of cats. But, if we’re being truthful here, I liked Donut. That cat did not give two shits about anybody or anything, and I could respect that.

Congratulations! You’ve earned your first achievement: Crazy Cat Lady.

New achievement! You’ve inflicted damage on a mob. Hopefully it won’t hit back! Reward: It’s probably going to hit back.

Gold Shoe Box (9/10) Enchanted Toe Ring of the Splatter Skunk. A toe ring? A goddamned toe ring? I needed shoes, damnit! Not a toe ring!

“First off, Carl, my name is ‘GC, BWR, NW Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk,’ and I’m going to have to insist you call me by my proper title. I will accept just Princess or even Princess Donut but not if we are in the presence of high company.”

“But how can she talk? She’s still a cat!” “I am right here you know,” Donut said. “It’s quite rude to talk about me as if I’m not in the room.

“Not necessary. I heard everything you said to my manservant,” Donut said. “Now wave your hand and grant me access to my prize boxes so we can get this farce rolling.” “Manservant?” I said. “He’s a little slow,” Donut said to Mordecai. “Intelligence of only three. Sad, really. But he’s been with the family for a while now, and I just can’t see myself letting him go.”

Enchanted Crown of the Sepsis Whore. Who’s a dirty girl? You’re a dirty girl! This is a Fleeting item! This is a Unique* item!

You’ll only want to wear this if you’re a blood-thirsty, raging psychopath. “That…” I began. “I’m not so sure you should’ve put that on.” “It’s purple,” Donut said. “Purple is my color. Do you know how many purple ribbons I’ve won? Do you know what it takes to get a purple ribbon?”

“Nor am I wearing a cloak that makes me look like I won a participation trophy at the special needs comic con, Carl. I’m a cat. Cats don’t wear pants. Don’t be so droll.”

“That’s the biggest cat tree I’ve ever seen!” “It’s not a cat tree,” I said. “It’s the playground.”

“Lo siento si fui una mala persona,” she said. She closed her eyes as tears streamed down the non-burned side of her face. The woman only had one, misshapen tooth in her mouth. “No quería que mi hija se enfermara. No quiero estar en el infierno. Por favor. Por favor envíame a Jesús.”

well thats sad AF

“Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”

Mana Toast. This is toast. It refills your mana. That’s it. Nothing more. Fuck you.

“I don’t like puking. I don’t want to puke!” I laughed. “Really? I seem to recall you had a thing for vomiting on my pillow.” “That was different. I did that on purpose.” “I knew it! I fucking knew it.”

New achievement! PETA Enthusiast! You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you. Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.

And great news, folks. The next book has clowns and dead hookers in it!