Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

I never considered myself a big fan of cats. But, if we’re being truthful here, I liked Donut. That cat did not give two shits about anybody or anything, and I could respect that.

“Donut,” I said, calling to the cat. “Stay with me.” The cat, being a cat, ignored me.

Why aren’t you wearing pants? You entered the dungeon wearing no pants. Dude. Seriously?

You entered the dungeon without any human companions. Didn’t anyone teach you there is safety in numbers? Reward: None! Haha. You are so dead.

Engineers. The incels of the goblin world. They have a hard time finding a date, which makes them extra angry.

I even once got to shapeshift into a human and go out into the world. I went to a Blockbuster Video and stole a bunch of James Bond tapes.

I had things like Breathing: 3. Walking: 4. Operating a Sony Brand RMVLZ620 Universal Remote Control: 1.

They know they’re sadistic assholes, but they don’t want you saying it on camera. They take their image quite seriously.”

New achievement! You’ve inflicted damage on a mob. Hopefully it won’t hit back! Reward: It’s probably going to hit back.

You’re a wizard, Crawler!

ahm a wot

Princess Donut has named your party The Royal Court of Princess Donut. Princess Donut has changed your title to Royal Bodyguard. Princess Donut has changed her title to Grand Champion Best in Dungeon.

“Nor am I wearing a cloak that makes me look like I won a participation trophy at the special needs comic con, Carl. I’m a cat. Cats don’t wear pants. Don’t be so droll.”

“No se que esta pasando. Me duele el estómago. No se donde estoy. Por favor, tengo miedo.”

“Lo siento si fui una mala persona,” she said. She closed her eyes as tears streamed down the non-burned side of her face. The woman only had one, misshapen tooth in her mouth. “No quería que mi hija se enfermara. No quiero estar en el infierno. Por favor. Por favor envíame a Jesús.”

They were showing people shooting up drugs, killing each other, a group of kids beating the crap out of another kid, a scene from the movie Basket Case, a dead horse for some reason, a scene from that serial killer movie that won Best Picture last year, an elderly woman crying, the kid from the “Charlie bit My Finger” Youtube video.

We’ve fixed the hallway bathroom bug. So, if you open the door, and someone else enters, they will no longer explode. Sorry about that.

The engineers all wore something odd on their heads, but it wasn’t always pots and pans. One wore what appeared to be a hockey helmet. Another sported one of those padded helmets worn by boxers.

plants vs zombies core

Donut named the one with the facial piercings Rory and the other Lorelai.

damn now we know what happened to stars hallow...

Frank claimed he and his partner, a woman named Maggie, worked for “Customs Enforcement,” which was a nice way of saying he was a fed, and he worked for ICE.

man fuck them

The first time, you freeze in place for about 100 seconds while you get an automated lecture on playing nice. The second time it’s for an hour. The third time you’re stripped of all your gear and teleported into a mob nest.”

“How is it you’re James Bond when it comes to strangers, but Miss Beatrice could date three different guys at once, and you had no idea?”

Those of you who have been using the hallways to relieve yourselves, please stop.

Some of the monsters were literally smashed flat, like the person had an enormous hammer.

is john egbert here??

“If it’s a level two monster, a three will probably one-shot it,” I said. Neither dropped any loot, but I took their clubs. “If it’s about to bite my face off, it’s getting a six,” said Donut.

Fighting with one’s claws is just so inelegant,” she said. “It’s not ladylike.” “And shooting lasers out of your eyes is?”

I normally benched 230 pounds—which was a respectable amount.

i dont know about respectable, but its not normal

I am already one of god’s most perfect creatures, so I won’t be changing race when the opportunity arises. I was born a cat, and I will die a cat. In fact, I’m going to have to insist that Carl choose a cat race as well.”

There are no gods here. Just those who pay for the privilege.”

The honorarium “Knight” roughly translates to “Overweight, alcoholic bureaucrat who spends his days making new laws to oppress the poor and his nights drinking and getting pegged.”

“if you want pants, you should probably stop bitching about not having them.”

“Never trust someone unless you know what they’re getting out of it.

As of this moment, if any human-born crawler intentionally urinates or defecates anywhere outside a designated bathroom area, they will be immediately and swiftly penalized in the form of a Rage Elemental plucked from the 13th floor. This elemental will kill them and everyone in their party before they can get their pants back up.

If you hear banjo music, run.

You remember when Bea wanted to start selling those leggings?

not lularoe...

It had “Live, Laugh, Love” written on the top of the door in little cutout, wooden letters.

oh no

“If we die, I want you to know that I love you, Carl,” Donut said. “I don’t love you as much as I love Miss Beatrice, because she’s, you know, she’s my person. Or as much as I love Ferdinand. But I love you.”

You will be memorialized for eternity with your name in the Dungeon Codex. Just don’t let it go to your head, Elon.

It was a white pair of boxers covered in little red hearts.

Picture yourself in high school. Now picture all the girls who would never get anywhere near you. It’s kind of like that, but on purpose.

you dont have to rub it in...

She wore a round, glass helmet filled with water. A pair of tubes snaked from the back of the helmet to a bulky backpack. The water bubbled like she was in a portable fish tank.

gil from monster high? is that you?

“Tell me you’ve watched Riverdale.”

oh god anything but that

The AI was throwing loot at her to emphasize the Nordic shieldmaiden persona she was forming, including a ridiculous, glittering breastplate that seemed more apt for the cover of a harem fantasy novel than appropriate dungeon armor.

what kind of anime are we watching here

Mana Toast. This is toast. It refills your mana. That’s it. Nothing more. Fuck you.

Are you familiar with the concept of fan fiction?”

OH MY GOD THEY ARE MAKING FANFIC OF PRINCESS DONUT

“Just Carl. Carl and the Maestro. And let’s just say Carl has the upper hand during the scene.”

ah, enemies to lovers yaoi

Who knew being a mother would be this difficult?”

Mongo also jumped up and down next to the cat. He squawked with delight, waving his little arms. And then he bit Donut right on the nose.

Odette had mentioned something about a magical pet carrier, which apparently was the dungeon’s equivalent of a pokeball.

too bad they dont cost 200 coins each