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October 3 - October 24, 2025
“Look,” I said. “Mordecai said you’re a lot more powerful than I am. Great. That means you’ll probably be okay. More okay than me.” I leaned in. “But I would rather just get this over with and get squished by a goblin bulldozer than spend another second dealing with this bullshit. Cats are assholes. I get it. But do you know why people like cats, despite their asshole-ness? It’s because they don’t fucking talk. If they did, and they were all like you, they’d all be extinct because we’d have killed you all by now.”
The Smush skill was… something else. The voice reading the skill description was deeper, more throaty than usual. I could actually hear him breathing like he was a dude beating himself off while he said it. Smush: Skill Level 3 Killing with your feet. Your bare, beautiful feet. Taking your bare foot, placing it on top of a living, conscious life, and then pressing lovingly down until that life ceases to be. Is there a more noble way to kill?
“Did that just happen?” I asked, spinning to see if we truly were alone. We were. “Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”
must admit,” Donut said as we jogged away. “I do like it when you blow stuff up. I like it a lot.”
New achievement! War Criminal. You have killed more than 20 non-combatants in a single attack! Question: What’s the only thing standing between an innocent child and a happy, fulfilling life? Answer: You. The answer is you. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Asshole’s Box!
“You’re not going to break me,” I said. “You might hurt me, or kill me, but you’re not going to break me.” I turned on my side to sleep. On my neck, Donut cuddled closer. Her new skirt thing pushed into my skin, but it felt oddly comforting. She purred so loud it vibrated my teeth.
New Achievement! Bitchmeat! You’ve been attacked by a fellow crawler in a safe zone, and the system has been forced to save your ass. That usually suggests you’re either really annoying, or you snore. If this were a prison, you would now be my bitch. Wait… Reward: Bitches don’t get rewards.
Created by an unstable, pantsless man who talks to a cat, Carl’s Jug O’ Boom takes the bigger-is-better approach when it comes to hobgoblin fire bottles. Burns hotter, bigger, and faster than your normal Molotov Cocktail. The use of a standard torch instead of a cloth wick makes these devices much more stable. Just don’t drop it once it’s lit, lest you find yourself doing a Joan of Arc impersonation.
“I thought you said the explosion was going to be too big to use it in here!” I looked at my health, already perilously low. Donut didn’t have a scratch on her. I pulled the alchemy table out of my inventory, putting it directly over us, placing us within a clamshell. I felt as if I was going to vomit. My head continued to swim. “It probably is,” I said. “And I’m probably about to die, but I think you’ll be okay.” “Carl, no,” Donut said. “No!” “It’s okay,” I said. “Go back to Brandon. They’ll watch over you.” I wrapped myself around the cat. “I don’t want to do this without you,” Donut cried.
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“It’s the bombs’ mother,” I’d said. “Get it? And we can name the bombs its babies.” None of them had been impressed. “You need to stick to punching things and blowing them up,” Donut had said. “Leave the creative to me.”
“Glurp on that, motherfucker,” I said.
The crowd went absolutely apeshit as the scene ended, and the lights snapped back on. Donut stood on her hindlegs and raised her two front paws in the air. “That’s how it’s done!” she yelled. “Next time, we’ll kill that thing ourselves and send pictures to his mama! We’ll tell her to… what was it, Carl?” “Suck it,” I said.
Time to pay the Daddy tax. “If it makes you feel better, she was talking about you. You’re the daddy,” Donut said, looking down at the almost-dead boss. “No, Donut,” I said. “That does not make me feel better. That’s the opposite of making me feel better.”
New achievement! PETA Enthusiast! You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you. Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.
