Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed

by Jonathan "JP" Pokluda

Everyone wants to be loved. I can’t think of a truer statement of human nature than that. It is perhaps our greatest desire.

Finding love is a top priority in life. And although most of us have parents and other family members who already love us, somehow that isn’t enough. We want a different kind of love. We want someone to choose to love us, not love us because they are related to us.

Many of us want that kind of love—love that lasts—more than anything. But it seems like it’s become the most difficult thing in the world to find.

The problem is we’re following the wrong examples. Almost from birth, we’re told that dating and marriage are supposed to look a certain way. Our views on love and relationships are based just as much on fantasy—literally fairy tales—as they are on anything resembling real life.

We watch actors playing fictional people fall in fictional love in fictional stories, and we think that somehow real life should be as dramatic as the movies.

That’s because any commands God gives us are for our own benefit.

The Bible never becomes out of date, because it is the truth, and the truth doesn’t change over time.

THE LIE: the purpose of dating is to have fun. THE TRUTH: it’s a lot more fun when you date with the right purpose.

If your goal is fun, fun is all you will get—until it’s not fun anymore.

Don’t play like that. Don’t be a child. Don’t toy with others, and don’t let yourself be toyed with. As Romans 12:9 says, “Love must be sincere.”

Instead of selfish and self-defeating “fun,” the sole goal of dating should be marriage.

God invented marriage.c It’s a gift from him,d and (for most people) it is worth pursuing.

Dating can be redeemed; it can fulfill a godly purpose. But only if we date with a purpose.

If you don’t want to be married, don’t date. If you’re not ready to be married right now (or in the very near future), then don’t date right now.

Dating with an eye toward marriage changes not just when you date and who you date but also how you date.

there are no married people problems—just single people problems carried into marriage.

What I didn’t realize was that, all the while, I was already loved. Despite my faults and my flaws, I was already accepted by One who was perfect.

Our earthly romantic relationships are supposed to be a reflection of, or a peek into, our eternal relationship with our Savior.f

I can’t help but think that if everyone just got this right—if people put their selfish desires aside and began to pursue God’s desires for each other, and pursued each other the way God desires—that change would be amazing and powerful. There would be a revival. There would be a great awakening.

I love gifts. Not just receiving gifts—I imagine everybody likes that—but also buying and giving gifts. It’s one of my love languages.1

When you have a perfect Father—God—handing out gifts to his children, you can trust that he is going to give good gifts.

People waste gifts because they either don’t realize their value or don’t know how to use them. If God gives you a gift, you know it is going to be valuable. The question is, How are you going to use it? If you are single, there’s a good chance you have a gift that you’re wasting.

You will never be more uninhibited, more available, and more ready to serve God than you are right now as a single person.

Your singleness is not a problem to be fixed; it’s a gift to be used to live life more fully.

THE LIE: you have to find the one person, made just for you, who was created around the same time you were—and they are out there, lost in the world of eight billion people. THE TRUTH: there are many people you can choose from, and really just a few places to look for them.

If you’re looking for a “soul mate,” what you’re really looking for is Jesus. He actually is perfect, and is the only one who can truly satisfy your soul.

Love Jesus first, with all your heart, and then find someone who loves him just as much and marry that person. Or, if you don’t marry, you’ll still be OK—because you’re not looking for someone else to make you complete.

THE LIE: physical attraction is ultimate. THE TRUTH: physical qualities ultimately won’t last, but you can look for character that will.

Proverbs 31:30 says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

Look for a woman (or a man) who fears the Lord.

In 1 Samuel 16:7, “the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’”

someone who fears the Lord would not be actively trying to sleep with you outside of marriage.

Train yourself to be attracted to the things God finds attractive. Those are the things that will last.

THE LIE: you should follow your heart. THE TRUTH: you should tell your heart what to follow.

Public service announcement: love is not a drug. Dating is not a drug. And if you buy into the lyrics and the lies, you’re going to end up in a world of hurt.

A healthy, godly marriage is not entertaining. It’s amazing; it’s beautiful; it’s an incredible adventure; it’s boring. You wouldn’t want to watch it, but you do want to live it.

And that’s love as a verb. It’s an action. It’s something you do, not something that happens to you. You can actively care for someone, cherish them as valuable, and look after their best interests.

You can’t always choose how you feel (although, through your actions, you can heavily influence your feelings). But you can always choose how you act.

If your relationship is based on what they can do for you (or what you can do to them), that’s selfish. It’s self-love. You don’t even love them; you just love yourself. Real love is selfless. It’s about serving, not being served; giving, not getting. And when both people love and give and serve each other selflessly, well, you end up getting quite a lot.

God invented love, so he gets to define it—not Hollywood, television, or the songs you’re listening to. God defines it.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Cor. 13:4–8)

The heart wants what it wants—but that doesn’t mean it should get what it wants.

MHM!

the Bible says, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jer. 17:9). Your heart is not just unreliable; it’s deceitful. It lies. It will actively lead you astray, if you let it.

How do you guard your heart? By being careful what you feed it. Your heart tends to want what you see, what you hear, and what you think about all day long.

Don’t follow your heart; inform your heart. Teach it where you want to go.

THE LIE: you have to find someone who likes all the same things you do. THE TRUTH: you just need to find someone with one major common interest.

However, that concept of compatibility is pure fiction. There is no compatibility among sinners—and we are all sinners. We are all flawed. We’re all selfish. And if you take a female sinner and a male sinner and you put them together, there are going to be differences. And conflict.

No. There’s nothing in the Bible that says we can’t use dating apps. It’s not a sin. There are sinful ways we can use dating apps, but it’s not a sin in and of itself.

Can someone who is fully devoted to following Christ date someone who is not a Christian? The answer to that is a definitive no. Not “No, they shouldn’t,” but “No, they can’t.” They literally can’t. Because if you choose to date someone who is not a Christian, then you yourself are not following God’s instructions. You might be saved, but you’re sinning by going against God’s life-giving instruction for you.

What you are looking for, therefore, is someone who is a fully devoted follower of Christ. First you have to be one yourself, then you find someone else who is similarly pursuing God and join together in your pursuit.