Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed

by Jonathan "JP" Pokluda

In 1960, 65 percent of all people ages eighteen to thirty-two were married; in 2013, only 26 percent were.1 And although some people try to explain this away by claiming that today’s young adults simply don’t want to get married, the same study says that, of the 74 percent who aren’t married, roughly seven in ten would like to be.

the average age at which people first get married has increased from 21.5 years old in 1960 to 28.9 years old in 2019,

the reality is that modern dating is a failure.

The world may have a lot of rules for dating. But the Bible, which many people (wrongly) think of as a big book full of rules, has very few dating rules. Partly, that’s because dating as we know it didn’t exist in Bible times. In fact, dating hasn’t existed throughout most of history; the concept was only invented a little over a century ago.

unfortunately sense is not all that common anymore, especially when it comes to something as emotionally charged as dating.

The goal is not to replace one man-made set of rules with another but rather to point toward the One who invented marriage, who created us to crave relationships, and who is the very embodiment of true love.

or whether they’re not just a slightly newer version of the same thing that’s already failed us a dozen times before.

The idea that the primary purpose of dating is to have fun is one of the myths our culture tells us.

If you are dating in order to find someone to marry, then your goal is actually to stop dating around, because marriage would put an end to that. Once you are married, you will (hopefully) never go on a first date again. But if you’re dating because on some level you enjoy the process, and marriage is just this incidental thing that might happen if things really work out perfectly, then your real goal in dating is to have fun.

Evidence for the prevalence of this “dating for fun” mindset is everywhere. Why else would we expect it or accept it when people start dating in high school, junior high, or even earlier? Are you going to get married at age fourteen? No? Then where is this relationship really going to go over the next few months or years?a

The idea also works its way into our vocabulary. People use slang like “he got game” in reference not just to sports but to dating.

Or you’re a “player” only if you’re playing a game—playing

Don’t toy with others, and don’t let yourself be toyed with. As Romans 12:9 says, “Love must be sincere.”

The tragic aspect of this “dating for fun” mentality is that dating around isn’t all that fun.

of the three options of singleness, dating, and marriage, dating is by far the least fun. By far.

if marriage is buying and dating is shopping, dating without the intention of marriage is shopping with no money. What’s going to happen when you shop with no money? Either you’re going home empty-handed or you’re going to take something that isn’t yours. Those are the only two possible outcomes.

God invented marriage.c It’s a gift from him,d and (for most people) it is worth pursuing. Singleness, also, can be a gift from God.e But dating was not created by God. Dating was invented by people, and is a relatively recent invention at that. It’s a new category. It’s not even in the Bible. Dating can be redeemed; it can fulfill a godly purpose. But only if we date with a purpose. The only reason we should date is to get married. We date because God gave us the gift of marriage, and we’re trying to get there.

If you’re not ready to be married right now (or in the very near future), then don’t date right now.

using your single time wisely. If you are not ready to date, or are not currently dating for whatever reason, that doesn’t mean you’re stuck waiting passively. You can do yourself and your future spouse a big favor by working to unpack some of your baggage so you won’t have to carry it with you into marriage.

Our earthly romantic relationships are supposed to be a reflection of, or a peek into, our eternal relationship with our Savior.f But I treated dating as something else entirely, selfishly loving myself rather than selflessly loving the person I was with.

there’s a common myth today that singleness is a problem to be fixed.

This myth says that being single is an unnatural state, and that single people are not fully whole or healthy until they find someone else to give their lives meaning. It’s the whole “You complete me” mentality, which is just bad Hollywood theology.

I trusted that the gift was good because I knew the person giving it, and knew he loved the person he was giving it to.

If you are single, there’s a good chance you have a gift that you’re wasting.

You will never be more uninhibited, more available, and more ready to serve God than you are right now as a single person.

I would share the gospel so much that I would risk losing my job, because I didn’t have anyone else to support and could afford to risk that. I would want to be a light in the dark place that can be corporate America.

He lived to be thirty-three years old, single, in a culture where people typically got married in their teens.2 And to be clear, Jesus could have gotten married if he wanted to. He was without sin, but getting married is not a sin.g Yet he chose not to take a wife because he was on a mission, and he didn’t want that distraction of marriage.

“Wait, JP, are you saying you married the wrong person?” No, I’m absolutely not saying that. Monica is the one for me. But she’s “the one” because I married her. Because I made a decision, and stood in front of God and family and committed to be her husband, for better or worse, no matter what.

the term soul mate is literally from a myth: the concept comes from an ancient story that claimed humans originally had four arms, four legs, and two faces. In this story, the mythical god Zeus cut each person in half, creating the two-legged men and women we know today—but each with only half a soul. Since each person was only one half of a whole, they were literally incomplete unless or until they found the one person on earth who was their other half—their “soul mate” who had the other half of their soul.

Finding “the one” can feel like a desperately difficult search—because it is. One NASA scientist ran the numbers and determined that, if “soul mates” were real, only one person out of ten thousand would find their mate over the course of a lifetime.

believing in this “soul mate” fairy tale can keep you stuck in some very bad dating relationships and lead to a very un-fairy-tale ending.

The idea of “the one” can also cause you to be unhappy in a good relationship due to the unrealistic expectations it creates.

the idea of “the one,” which is a prevalent theme in rom-coms, causes people to think that relationships should be easy.3

rom-com or Disney princess world, since those movies (spoiler alert) almost always end at the beginning of the real relationship.

It’s implied, or outright stated, that couples then live “happily ever after,” with no ongoing conflicts or drama worth making a romantic movie about. The impression people get is that the hard part’s over, when in reality it’s the relationship that requires sacrifice and work.

second and third marriages are even more likely to end in divorce.

You see, when you marry someone, they do become “the one.” They’re the one you’ve committed to love for the rest of your life. The Bible even says that the two of you together become one (Mark 10:7–8).

If you’re looking for a “soul mate,” what you’re really looking for is Jesus. He actually is perfect, and is the only one who can truly satisfy your soul. Love Jesus first, with all your heart, and then find someone who loves him just as much and marry that person. Or, if you don’t marry, you’ll still be OK—because you’re not looking for someone else to make you complete.

When pop culture shows us romance, we’re almost always watching people in their prime. But that prime doesn’t last.

If that’s the “bait” you actively try to lure them with, through the way you dress or the way you pose in the images you post online, then don’t be surprised at the type of fish you catch.

If you choose a mate based on physical beauty, you’re investing in a depreciating asset.

the focus on physical attractiveness makes dating harder than it has to be.

Statistics from several different apps show that a small percentage of its users get the majority of the attention.11

physical attractiveness has very little actual value when it comes to having a successful, lifelong marriage relationship.

It means striving to see people the way God sees them. In 1 Samuel 16:7, “the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.’”

Invest in godliness. Learn to value the characteristics that can appreciate over time. Beauty depreciates; that “hot” guy or girl will definitely cool off as they age. But if you choose someone because they are kind, selfless, patient, and wise, they can actually become better at all of those things over time.

attracted to godliness, the person you are with can become more attractive as you grow up and grow old together.

When we get into a disagreement, it’s not my wife’s beauty that helps resolve the conflict and bring peace back to our marriage.

There’s a reason fairy tales get remakes rather than sequels: a sequel would have to show what a love based on looks is really like.

Train yourself to be attracted to the things God finds attractive.