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October 26 - November 13, 2021
We want someone to choose to love us, not love us because they are related to us. In fact, we want someone to choose to be related to us, through marriage.
want it to be based entirely on who we are rather than to whom we were born.
by just about every measurable standard, we’re continually getting worse at dating. The problem is we’re following the wrong examples.
Almost from birth, we’re told that dating and marriage are supposed to look a certain way. Our views on love and relationships are based just as much on fantasy—literally fairy tales—as they are on anything resembling real life.
If you want a different outcome, you need to provide a different input. You have to be willing to change.
That’s because any commands God gives us are for our own benefit. They are not at all meant to stifle our fun. Instead, they exist to point us toward life and help us avoid doing things that cause us emotional, physical, or relational harm.
most of these would be considered common sense, but unfortunately sense is not all that common anymore, especially when it comes to something as emotionally charged as dating.
The goal is not to replace one man-made set of rules with another but rather to point toward the One who invented marriage, who created us to crave relationships, and who is the very embodiment of true love.
He was on a mission; he had an objective and a purpose. I, on the other hand, was just playing around.
The biggest problem with dating is that far too many people approach it the same way I approached shopping that day. We just wander around, looking at anything and everything, not knowing what or who we might end up taking home with us (or who we might go home with). We’re searching, but we’re not searching for anything in particular. We’re just out there, at the store or the bar or wherever, looking for something pretty that might catch our eye, or someone pretty we might catch the eye of. Little thought is given as to quality, or whether they are a good fit, or whether they’re not just a
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This. So so true for me.
We’re just dating for fun. We’re looking for something—or, more accurately, someone—we can use to bring us pleasure. We may be looking for sex, attention, or a stroke to our ego, making us feel good that we can afford such a shiny object. But make no mistake: these people are just objects to us. When we date like this, we treat other people as things we can use for our own benefit.
The idea that the primary purpose of dating is to have fun is one of the myths our culture tells us. Dating is seen as a type of recreation, or just some kind of grown-up game we play. People may not always realize they treat dating this way, and indeed you may be thinking right now that you don’t. But there’s a really simple test for this: if your purpose in dating is anything other than marriage, then that is what you’re doing.
And why else would you have people who, as adults, have been dating for five years (or more) without ever putting a ring on it? What, you can’t figure out within a half decade whether this person is worth marrying or not? If your goal from the start was marriage, then I’m afraid you’re failing at that goal.b But if your goal was to have fun, and you’re having fun not being married, then it suddenly makes sense.
you have thirty-year-old boys and girls out there playing with each other’s hearts, usually in an effort to get to some other body part. Don’t play like that. Don’t be a child. Don’t toy with others, and don’t let yourself be toyed with. As Romans 12:9 says, “Love must be sincere.”
If you are having a blast dating around, you’re probably doing it wrong.
😂😂😂😂
Some of you single people may immediately object that singleness isn’t much fun either, but that’s just because you’re so focused on wanting to not be single. Done right, singleness can be amazing.
Yes! Singleness CAN BE amazing!! :)
to use another shopping metaphor I once heard from my friend Jeff Bethke: if marriage is buying and dating is shopping, dating without the intention of marriage is shopping with no money. What’s going to happen when you shop with no money? Either you’re going home empty-handed or you’re going to take something that isn’t yours. Those are the only two possible outcomes.
!!!! What a great metaphor. Really eye opening.
We date because God gave us the gift of marriage, and we’re trying to get there.
If you don’t want to be married, don’t date. If you’re not ready to be married right now (or in the very near future), then don’t date right now.
Wowwwwww.
Another principle related to “do not date unless marriage is a possibility for you” is that, if you are dating someone and realize the relationship will definitely not end in marriage, you should break up with that person. As in immediately. Otherwise you’re just wasting time (both yours and theirs) and unnecessarily leading them on.
So what would qualify as "definitely knowing you're not going to marry them"? Aka, the deal-breakers?
When you’re dating for marriage rather than dating for fun, you’ll evaluate potential dating partners differently. You’ll look for traits that would make them a good spouse, and you’ll likely find this will narrow down your options considerably, which is a good thing.
Wow, yes! Never thought of that before!
Knowing what I know now, I definitely wish I had dated differently. If I could have a do-over on my dating years, I would try to avoid creating all that unnecessary baggage.
What baggage do you have? What baggage do I have?
Since the end goal is marriage, you want to do things in dating that will set you up for success in your future marriage—whether that’s with the person you’re dating currently or with someone else in the future if it doesn’t work out with this person. That means having healthy boundaries in dating and not crossing inappropriate lines physically or emotionally.
there are no married people problems—just single people problems carried into marriage.
Do you agree?
I’ve had to deal with that fact and seek forgiveness where I could.
That means that sometimes I can try and that is enough. I don’t have to succeed.
What I didn’t realize was that, all the while, I was already loved. Despite my faults and my flaws, I was already accepted by One who was perfect. I sought affirmation and adventure and meaning in the dating game, and all the while that was just a secondary narrative to a bigger story I was called to be part of. Our earthly romantic relationships are supposed to be a reflection of, or a peek into, our eternal relationship with our Savior.f But I treated dating as something else entirely, selfishly loving myself rather than selflessly loving the person I was with.
When I look at this generation of young singles in the church today, I can’t help but think that if everyone just got this right—if people put their selfish desires aside and began to pursue God’s desires for each other, and pursued each other the way God desires—that change would be amazing and powerful. There would be a revival. There would be a great awakening. Single people would live on mission, godly marriages would be formed, disciples would be made in the home. Christianity would spread like wildfire in a culture that has been growing cold to it. We could change a generation—and change
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A utopia of sorts. "Single and living on a mission"
1 Corinthians 7:7, where the apostle Paul said, “I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.” In context, he’s talking about singleness and marriage, and since Paul himself was single (he says so in the very next verse), he’s saying that he wishes everyone was single like him. But, as he puts it, some people have the gift of singleness and some have other gifts instead.
there’s a common myth today that singleness is a problem to be fixed. As in, I’m single, but I don’t want to be, and the solution is to date and/or get married. Like, now. As soon as possible. Because as long as I remain single, I’m living in this problem.
This myth says that being single is an unnatural state, and that single people are not fully whole or healthy until they find someone else to give their lives meaning. It’s the whole “You complete me” mentality, which is just bad Hollywood theology.a
Dating is not a gift from God, because God didn’t create dating; as I’ve covered, it was invented by modern culture. But God did create singleness, and marriage, and both can be gifts from him.
You see, there are a couple of different takes on what the gift of singleness means. And they’re both correct, by the way; they just apply to different people or different situations. For some people, it is a spiritual gift that enables them to remain single for life.
In practice, the gift of celibacy is probably the ability to not be that concerned about getting married or having sex, so that you can freely choose to live life that way.
When you have a perfect Father—God—handing out gifts to his children, you can trust that he is going to give good gifts.
As Jesus described in Matthew 7:9–11, Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
People waste gifts because they either don’t realize their value or don’t know how to use them. If God gives you a gift, you know it is going to be valuable. The question is, How are you going to use it? If you are single, there’s a good chance you have a gift that you’re wasting.
You will never be more uninhibited, more available, and more ready to serve God than you are right now as a single person. You’ll never have more time or fewer responsibilities. You’ll never have more freedom or a greater opportunity to take chances and risk something for the gospel.
You can’t go and risk your life or your livelihood without considering the life-altering consequences it would have on the people under your care, those whom you care for the most. You’re not as free.
Marriage can be amazing. But singleness can be amazing too. They can both be equally good gifts. It just depends on how you use them.
I would take an international trip at least once a year to bring the gospel to the dark places of this earth. I might use all of my vacation days doing exactly that.
“Lord, how do you want to use my life? What do you want to do through me? I believe you want to do incredible things today. I know that ‘the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him’ (2 Chron. 16:9). I pray that you would find me, so that you might use me to change this place.”
Her attitude is, Hey, if God gives me a husband, great. If he entrusts me with that, awesome. But until then I’m single, and I’ll leverage the gifts he’s given me.
The only way you miss out is if you waste the gifts you’ve been given, whether they include singleness or marriage.
And to be clear, Jesus could have gotten married if he wanted to. He was without sin, but getting married is not a sin.g Yet he chose not to take a wife because he was on a mission, and he didn’t want that distraction of marriage.
But while you are single, whether that’s for a season or for the rest of your life, know that you’re not “less than.” You’re not incomplete. Your singleness is not a problem to be fixed; it’s a gift to be used to live life more fully.
1 Corinthians 7:32–35: “I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in
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Matthew 22:30: “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” See also Mark 12:25 and Luke 20:34–36.
But she’s “the one” because I married her. Because I made a decision, and stood in front of God and family and committed to be her husband, for better or worse, no matter what.
Too many people approach dating with the idea that it’s all about finding “the one.” That there is this one person out there who is right for you, and finding them is the entire point of the plot. Once you find that person, you’re done. You’ve won. Because this person is perfect. Not truly perfect—we all know that nobody is perfect—but this person is perfect for you, just as you are perfect for them. They are your “soul mate.” And because of this “match made in heaven,” once you do find each other, everything will work out perfectly. The hard work is finding each other; once you find them, the
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So when you talk about finding your “soul mate,” you might as well be saying “Release the Kraken!”a—they are both myths, and are both equally unlikely to happen.
