But You Don’t Look Autistic at All (Bianca Toeps’ Books)

by Bianca Toeps

Before my executive functions start to jam, a stream of thoughts and stimuli is set in motion that no amount of filtering can remedy. You could compare it to one of those machines that shoots out tennis balls, except that it’s set to Serena Williams while I’m here having my first tennis lesson. With every tennis ball that zooms past me, the adrenaline rises. That’s how it works when someone with autism wants to tidy up. “This has to go into the closet!” “But the closet still needs an extra shelf!” “I should go get one at Ikea first!” “Oh look, a dentist bill!” “Better go and pay that first…” Meanwhile sensory stimuli are all over the place, because there’s clutter everywhere and everything feels unpleasant. Especially tasks like laundry or dishes – tasks that will get your hands wet or dirty – are tricky. The tornado of stimuli, or the mere prospect of it, can be so severe that the autistic person decides to do nothing – exactly like the Intense World Theory predicts. Dishes? Nope. Tidying? Nope. In my head, I see myself as a small child, covering my ears with my hands, shouting and stomping my feet. Nope, nope, nope! Brain overload.

Dead bug