Five Feet Apart

by Rachael Lippincott

I wonder, all too often, what it would be like to have lungs this healthy. This alive. I take a deep breath, feeling the air fight its way in and out of my body.

People are always looking at my cannula, my scars, my G-tube, not at me.

If I’m going to die, I’d like to actually live first. And then I’ll die.

“Abby’s dead, isn’t she?” I blurt out, cutting right to the point. She stares at me, not saying anything. Finally she swallows, shaking her head. “Real nice, Will. About as delicate as a jackhammer.”

Why would you do that

“You’re a dying girl with survivor’s guilt. That is a complete mind-fuck. How do you live with—”

I know in that moment, even though it could not be more ridiculous, that if I die in there, I won’t die without falling in love.

Ahhh

Death. That’s what I am. That’s what I am to Stella. The only thing worse than not being able to be with her or be around her would be living in a world that she didn’t exist in at all. Especially if it’s my fault.

I’m tired of living without really living. I’m tired of wanting things. We can’t have a lot of things. But we could have this.

“Most of us can’t have children, a lot of us never live long enough to try. Only other CFers know what this feels like, but we’re not supposed to fall in love with each other.” She stands up, determined. “So, after all that CF has stolen from me—from us—I’m stealing something back.”

“Cystic fibrosis will steal no more from me. From now on, I am the thief.”

I didn’t know it was possible for a person to make old things become new again.

“It’s just life, Will. It’ll be over before we know it.”

“We need that touch from the one we love, almost as much as we need air to breathe. I never understood the importance of touch, his touch . . . until I couldn’t have it.”