Five Feet Apart

by Rachael Lippincott

He starts to sing, softly. “I love you, a bushel and a peck—” “Go away. I’m being stupid,” I blubber as I wipe the tears away with the back of my hand, shaking my head. “A bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.” Abby’s song. He’s singing Abby’s song. The tears start rolling down my face faster than I can catch them as I watch his deep-blue eyes, focused on reading every lyric off that crumpled piece of paper.

I know in that moment, even though it could not be more ridiculous, that if I die in there, I won’t die without falling in love.

“Most of us can’t have children, a lot of us never live long enough to try. Only other CFers know what this feels like, but we’re not supposed to fall in love with each other.” She stands up, determined. “So, after all that CF has stolen from me—from us—I’m stealing something back.”

“It’s just life, Will. It’ll be over before we know it.”

Every single breath is a struggle, and I watch as he gasps for air, trying desperately to fill his lungs. And every breath he gets, he gives to me. “He’s breathing for you,” Abby says as my chest expands again.

“Will,” I whisper, watching as he struggles to push the air through my body. “He really loves you, Stell,” Abby says, watching.

Abby smiles at me, shaking her head, already far ahead of me. “It didn’t hurt. I wasn’t scared.”

Live, Stella.” I can feel Abby’s arms around me back at the pond, holding me close. I can hear her voice in my ear, saying the same words that Will is saying now. Live, Stella.

He’s holding a scroll and quill, the words “Will’s Master List” written on it. And below, a single item. “#1: Love Stella Forever.”

“I guess it’s true what that book of yours says—the soul knows no time. These past few weeks will last forever for me.” He takes a deep breath, smiling with those blue eyes. “My only regret is that you never got to see your lights.” I look up, surprised, as the lights in my room suddenly go out. I see Julie standing by the switch. Suddenly the courtyard outside my recovery room window is ablaze, the entire space filled with the twinkling holiday lights from the park, twisting around the lampposts and the trees. I gasp as they cast a glow into my room. Barb and Julie unlock the bed, rolling it right up to the window so I can see. And there, on the other side of the glass, standing under a canopy of those beautiful lights, is Will.

“People in the movies are always saying, ‘You have to love someone enough to let them go.’ ” He shakes his head, swallowing, struggling to speak. “I always thought that was such bullshit. But seeing you almost die . . .” His voice trails off, and my fingers curl against the cool window, wanting to smash it, but I can barely manage a knock. “In that moment nothing else mattered to me. Nothing. Except your life.” He presses harder too, his voice shaking as he continues. “The only thing I want is to be with you. But I need for you to be safe. Safe from me.” He fights to continue, tears streaming down his face. “I don’t want to leave you, but I love you too much to stay.” He laughs through his tears, shaking his head. “God, the freakin’ movies were right.”

“Will you please close your eyes?” he asks, his voice breaking. “I’m not gonna be able to walk away from you if you’re looking at me.”

“We need that touch from the one we love, almost as much as we need air to breathe. I never understood the importance of touch, his touch . . . until I couldn’t have it.”

I smile at him, and take just that one more stolen step, until we’re five feet apart.