Responsibility Rebellion: An Unconventional Approach to Personal Empowerment

by Kain Ramsay

People are used to being seen and treated as nothing more than currency. You live in a world where certain people who look and act a certain way are of more value to the system than others, and yet you wonder why your head is so messed up.

The key to managing your emotions and self-critical thoughts when bad memories arise is disassociating your past self from your present. You are not the person you were ten years ago, and you don’t have to be the person you were yesterday, provided you’re willing to take responsibility for and ownership of what your past self did, mistakes and all. Growth, maturity, and being a better person requires conscious effort; you can’t just expect these things to come naturally with age; they’re not a right of passage. You have to choose whether or not you want to learn, grow, and develop from your past.

However, nothing you’ve gone through was deserved, fated, or plotted against you. This is just your story. Your story is what makes you unique and valuable to other people and the world around you. Society wouldn’t be where it is today if people stopped sharing their stories with one another. Every significant positive change in society comes from someone overcoming something in life and deciding that this story is worth acting upon, this story needs sharing, this story needs awareness, and this story needs to bring change in the world so others going through the same story don’t have to feel alone and unsupported.

Why I love stories so much

10. You’re Not a Product: You Shouldn’t Come with a Label

Wow, as simple as that

Whilst it may sound absurd for someone to enjoy feeling miserable about themselves, there’s a reason why so many people refer to themselves as a loser, a nobody, or a failure for decades of their lives: they feel comfortable in doing so; otherwise, they wouldn’t call themselves these horrible things. Strangely enough, the reason you berate and chastise yourself is that you take comfort in doing so. The labels you assign yourself, no matter how limiting or negative they may be, give you a strong sense of self, so much so that you will oftentimes find yourself continuing to behave in a way which preserves them.

Naturally, self-esteem is highly dependent upon the quality of things you produce, from your career to your children, physique, and talents. However, the danger of drawing validation from external factors is that your esteem becomes determined by fluxing elements. Chasing self-esteem, therefore, becomes an exhausting and unsustainable way of living. It seems like for every success that boosts your confidence, there are twenty failures solidly knocking you back down to rock bottom. Then, when you start conceiving imperfections, failures, and rejections as markers of who you are, your self-esteem takes a harsh battering, and the more you spend days of your life comparing yourself to others, the more your self-esteem plummets. But the reason you focus so much on improving your self-esteem is that your self-esteem is on the frontline; when something goes wrong, it’s the thing that gets impacted first, usually with a critical blow.

The same can’t be said for Gillian. At the age of seven, Gillian (who had earned the nickname Wigglebottom by her teachers) was taken by her mother to see a doctor. Because of the complaints and concerns expressed by her teachers regarding Gillian’s fidgetiness, Gillian’s mother was worried that her daughter had a learning disorder. She had been advised by the teachers, who were exasperated and worn out by Gillian’s behaviour, to see a child psychiatrist and have her officially diagnosed. When she arrived at the doctor’s, little Gillian was guided down a long, dark corridor to a stale-looking room with a dark and worn leather sofa. Conscious that she was being examined for her behaviour, Gillian clamped up with fear and made an exerted effort to sit rigidly stiff with her hands tucked under her legs. The doctor became perplexed. Having heard about Gillian’s case from her parents, he found it impossible to diagnose her in her contrary state, so he asked if he could speak to Gillian’s mother privately in another room. However, he promised Gillian that he didn’t want her to feel afraid or alone, so he turned on the radio to amuse her in their absence. Within seconds, Gillian was left all alone in the musty, stale room. For a while, she remained stiff and seated, as many children would when in a foreign and authoritative place. But then a song came on which Gillian loved. At once, she sprang up off the sofa and began twirling around the room, dancing excitedly to her beloved t...

Legit made me tear up

It’s Not Selfish to Prioritise Your Story

Your primary concern in life should be how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, what you’re doing, and why you’re doing what you’re doing. This isn’t a selfish disposition; it’s a sensible one. Flight attendants don’t instruct you to put on your own oxygen mask first before assisting others to put on theirs because the instructions are written by selfish and self-absorbed people. They tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first because they know you won’t be of any use to anyone unless you ensure your own safety first. The same goes for self-validation and self-acceptance. How can you ever expect to be accepted, loved, respected, or inspiring if you don’t accept, love, respect, or inspire yourself?

All of us should grow in life, but sometimes we don’t grow together, and that’s OK. Growing apart is healthier than not growing at all.

Louder for the people at the back!

Without personal direction and drive, you’ll spend all your energy helping some heartless corporation achieve its financial dreams whilst you slave away for minimum wage without any personal acknowledgment or thanks.

!!!!!

Meaning is susceptible to change, which is why it’s potentially dangerous to not review and re-evaluate. The idea that meaning can change disturbs some people; they find the very idea of changeable meaning oxymoronic because changeable meaning seems, arguably, meaningless. How can something be meaningful if it’s susceptible to change?

Transforming the meaning you assign to certain elements of your past, from traumas to failures and hardships, helps you alter the relationship you have with yourself for the better. Why wouldn’t you want to change the meaning of your childhood bullying from ‘I was bullied, so that means I’m a horrible and unlikeable person’ to ‘I was bullied at school, so that means the person who was bullying me was going through something at home which was upsetting them and they didn’t have the support they needed; it had nothing to do with me and who I was’?

Labels not only categorise who you are according to predetermined standards, they also reduce your options and impact to a limited sphere of influence. You can label your life purpose as being a parent, an entrepreneur, a writer, or a spouse, but these labels not only limit you to these areas, they also don’t ensure quality. Just because you’re a mother doesn’t mean you’re loving, and just because you’re a philanthropist doesn’t mean you’re a good person.

I want my character to shine before my labels do.

If you want to rebel against the status quo and live a life beyond conformity, you have to stop looking for meaning in life and stop assigning purpose to external factors and circumstances. Rather than allowing yourself to dwell upon how the past has made you feel broken, unloved, and worthless, your new meaning should empower you to adopt a reach which constantly extends your grasp: a reach which strives to give more, be more, and build more in the world around you.

Conquering the self requires an understanding and redefining of the meaning of your past so that your vision for who you are and who you are willing to become is clearer. If your destination in life is one of infinite selfhood and growth, you’ll never feel lost or misplaced ever again. The map is within you, not without, and it is you who wields both compass and direction.

Marge to Lisa: But…I could give piano lessons! Lisa: But you don’t play the piano… Marge: I just gotta stay one lesson ahead of the kid!

Once you embody the lessons and principles you’ve learned, you can begin the next stage of learning: teaching. Whilst you may feel uncomfortable taking a teaching role in life, teaching others will make you more confident in your approach and understanding of what you teach. Repetition breeds familiarity, meaning the more you share and teach others what you’ve learned through your mistakes and experiences, the more familiar you become with these lessons and what they mean to you. Teaching opens you up to dialogues with others who challenge, disagree with, or have alternative perspectives to you, which ultimately opens you up to the final stage of learning: receiving feedback. The process of learning can become an isolating and biased experience when conducted within the bubble of the self. Feedback reminds you that no one is perfect and that your experiences, perspectives, and learning approaches are limited and subjective based on your background, environment, personal strengths, and weaknesses.

Feedback is crucial for instigating the learning cycle, which is why it’s so incredibly dangerous and detrimental for people to hide within closed bubbles and sects of like-minded people, hiding away from opposing voices or battering them down with unkind or vicious words. True learning cannot take place within a bubble, and I encourage all of my readers to not be afraid of listening to all perspectives in order to learn about them, understand the psychology behind them, and strengthen your own position in accordance with them.

Your growth and wisdom depend on listening to others, hearing what they have to say, and making your own independent judgment based on the information you have at hand.

As we saw from the CEO story, the employee who was focussed on getting it right took no risks and therefore made no progress professionally or personally. He wanted to avoid being seen as a failure or even as an average employee, so he didn’t use the talents he was given and instead buried them away for no one to judge and critique. Getting it right focuses more on how you are perceived by others than how you perceive yourself. When you don’t want others to see your inexperience and confusion at trying something new, you stick to what you know really well and play it safe. However, when you stick to what you’re already good at, you stop trying your best; you take the easy route. There’s nothing challenging or character-building about playing the same game at the same level over and over again. Sure, being able to sail through life flawlessly may look impressive to others in terms of having a clean record, but it does nothing for your growth or the respect others have for you.

Taking your boss’s emotions into consideration, even on a hypothetical level, can break you from responding with a knee-jerk reaction. Perhaps they’re stressed at home because their spouse is sick or they’ve had a new baby. Maybe their anger toward you is the only way they can manage their disappointment in you, or perhaps they’re grieving for the loss of their mother and they don’t have anyone to talk to, so their emotional outlets target their employees. None of these things may be true, and none of these things excuses your boss of mistreating you at work, but taking a moment to evaluate the other person’s potential emotions and reasoning behind their emotions protects you from making unwise emotional moves.

Become Mindful of Your Vocabulary Being a strong communicator is an essential element of emotional intelligence. There’s nothing admirable or mature about someone who can keep their cool during stressful situations but refuses to communicate in any shape or form about how they feel to others. Keeping emotionally steady but remaining totally silent is evasive, dishonest, and unproductive. Being able to articulate your feelings to other people (rather than demonstrating your feelings to them) not only helps maintain a steady emotional environment for mature discussion, but also protects you from stewing in your own thoughts and feelings and allows for others to experience you more authentically.

Stop Taking Offence and Learn from Criticism

I need to internalize this

The healthiest approach to negative criticism is to put your personal feelings aside and be grateful for the insight into an alternative perspective, no matter how painful or upsetting that may be. Never focus on how the criticism was delivered, but focus instead on what you can take away from the criticism without becoming emotionally and personally attached to the criticism.

Don’t wallow in the feeling, and don’t allow your mind to become consumed with helpless and destructive thoughts. Don’t complain and throw a pity party for days, weeks, and potentially years after the situation occurs. Focus entirely on asking yourself constructive questions and working your way through and out of your situation. Don’t allow it to take up so much space in your head that it begins to become part of your identity. Don’t allow adversity to become part of who you are, and don’t become fond of it. Regard adversity as a challenge which you are glad to accept and overcome rather than a sign the universe has thrown your way to stop you moving forward. The universe doesn’t care about you enough to throw you any signs. The universe has bigger things to create and focus on than wasting its time trying to ruin your life for the fun of it.

According to a 2009 study conducted by Peter Gollwitzer of NYU, the very act of sharing your dreams, ideas, and goals with others incites premature praise from those around you, meaning you’re less likely to follow through on your decisions because your brain has already received the reward it wanted (external validation). This buzz of external validation reads like a success in your brain, which means your desire to achieve something is falsely fulfilled and you then have no desire to actually follow through.

Wait, wow!

Another issue arises with progression when people rely too heavily on accumulating knowledge rather than putting knowledge into action. They spend years of their life studying particular areas of interest without ever getting their hands dirty, whether that is in finance, art, writing, investing, or life coaching. You could potentially be a world-famous artist, life coach, entrepreneur, writer, or investor, but having the ability doesn’t secure success. The formula for achieving results is: Ability + Strategy + The desire to get a result = Result

Another effective approach to productivity is to ensure that you spend the first hour of your day working on high-value tasks, that is, those which are most important to your long-term goal. This means avoiding trivial responsibilities such as reading emails and replying to notifications for the first hour of your day at least, as these tasks tend to keep you busy in a way which prevents you from getting any significant and meaningful work done.

I know you’re holding yourself back because you’re scared. You’re scared of not being as good as you want to be, and you’re afraid of not getting the approval and admiration of others. You’re afraid that you’re not going to make everyone happy all of the time, and you’re afraid of disappointing people. All of your fears are valid. In the beginning, you’re not going to be as good at something as you’d hoped you’d be, because skills take time to develop, and you’re not going to receive approval and admiration from some people because there are people who love to tear others down and resent others for trying to better themselves. You will never make everyone happy, and you will disappoint people from time to time. That’s life. You can’t keep being afraid of life. You can’t hide away and put your dreams on hold because life won’t play out in this unrealistic, idealistic way. Accept that you will not please everyone, embrace your imperfections, and prepare yourself to cause some waves. It’s time to show the world what you’re made of and find out what you’re truly capable of.

Imagine what your life would be like if you started asking yourself ‘What do I love about myself?’ instead of ‘Why am I such a loser?’ or ‘What motivates me to do my very best?’ rather than ‘Why am I so lazy and unmotivated all of the time?’ Getting into the habit of replacing disempowering questions with empowering questions, regardless of your circumstance, will force your mind to direct itself into a positive state. With enough practice and dedication, a positive mindset will become your default state, rather than the negative state you’re currently accustomed to.

Mental decluttering is as important as, if not more important than, physical decluttering of your home. Throughout life, you unconsciously adopt depressing, negative attitudes and thinking patterns which trip you up into cycles of negativity and procrastination. Mental decluttering means taking stock of the thoughts, emotional trash, and beliefs holding you back and replacing them with alternative thoughts which align with your desired future self. It’s much easier to be productive when you are not weighed down by bags of negativity. The moment you ditch your junk thinking, you will begin to feel lighter and more confident about moving towards the future you want.

Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to change and optimise your neural networks throughout your lifetime. In brief, every time you learn a new fact or skill, your brain changes. Your brain is somewhat like a circuit board comprised of billions of pathways which become active every time you do, think, feel something. Your habitual behaviours, thoughts, and feelings exist along the paths that are most travelled in your brain. Every time you choose to sleep nine hours, eat the same junk food you’ve told yourself you’d give up years ago, procrastinate, or light a cigarette, the same pathway in your brain becomes active and this pathway becomes stronger, making it easier and easier for your brain to activate this pathway each time it’s triggered. This also means it becomes harder to deactivate. This is why addictions, depression, procrastination, and other mental illnesses flourish. Your brain activates the same neurological pathways until they become an automatic response, such as drinking or binge-eating, rumination, or becoming suddenly anxious in crowds or depressed over a certain thought or event. The brain, like people, prefers taking the easiest route, and the path it’s most familiar with is the one it’s travelled the most.

In fact, the undoing of these pathways is what cognitive-behavioural therapy is all about.

you get out of life what you work on, that is, you get what you practise.

Your options are infinite, but in order to not waste them, you need to stop impeding yourself by letting your mind and emotions tell you what you’re not capable of.

‘Trying’ is nothing more than the desire for credit for something you didn’t intend to do (as highlighted poignantly by master Yoda: ‘Do…or do not. There is no try’).

Damn

Pour Yourself into Life One Step at a Time

So what? What does it mean to the rest of the world that you’ve read all these books and taken those courses? What does it mean to your family, relationships, career, ambitions, and society that you know a little more about personal development and success? As I stated earlier, knowledge isn’t powerful unless it’s implemented. Knowledge is of no use to you or anyone around you if you consume it and sit on it; knowledge needs to be applied and shared in order to bring about change in the world.

If you are currently unhappy with the state of your life at the moment, chances are you are channelling energy into meaningless fields and pursuits which aren’t producing the changes you truly want in life.

When you rebel against what you’ve been programmed to believe and start taking responsibility for your life, you begin to conquer all of your endeavours. If your endeavours are anything less than values-based, they are incongruent, and they will ultimately lead to nothing. Even if you achieve the goals you have in life which aren’t values-based, you will still feel starved of true inner peace and fulfilment. To rebel against the life you’re living is to own who you are, be who you are, and commit the rest of your life to striving to always be who you are willing to become.