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He was back on safer ground now, their shared history, the small things he still knew about her from the time before everything hurt so much.
A voice seemed to still hang in the dark of her bedroom, and she sat up, waiting for it to come again.
He blew her a kiss, turned and walked away into shadow. She watched until her eyes burned, but he never reappeared.
Except, of course, that these days, she could easily name something for which she’d trade her soul.
She could have told him that motherhood was one long road of pain shouldered whenever it was possible, but she didn’t say things like that because she believed in smiling sacrifice.
The idea of what she was planning to do sent shivers through her gut and down to her genitals, much the way that certain things had made Beau’s balls shrivel up, as he phrased it.
Whatever sounds might have been issued from other throats were drowned out by her screams.
In spite of her faith, her lifelong belief that there was something beyond this life, she’d always been afraid that there was nothing but a cold, black void awaiting all of them.
Where had this love been, this unselfish faith and care, when it would have made a difference?
“Somethin’ I’ve noticed about you, babe, is you don’t have a clue how to ask for help when you need it. I get that—lotta women are like that, and maybe it’s because they’ve gotta be.”
It hurt. Jesus, it hurt so much, hearing those words years after she had needed them.
Had Chris doomed Trey’s chance of survival when she saw the way his head lolled, the limp movements of his arms and legs, the crushed-in state of his skull? Had he truly only died in that exact moment when his mother lost faith?
You’re wrong about sacrifice. It’s not about saying no to everything, just to teach kids a lesson, put them in their place. And they don’t owe us shit for what we give up for them.
Motherhood had made her face all her fears, let go of her phobias and the things that bugged her, like snot and puke and having anything touching her collar bone. Kids trample all over those little rules and preferences in no time, and they put you in the most terrifying, godawful positions.

